Does it feel awkward to walk up to a random stranger who is wearing tight-fitting clothes covered in fruit? Probably. In order to avoid senseless awkwardness, here are a few suggested topics to keep the conversation flowing as smoothly as Laurent Fignon’s golden ponytail out the back of his helmet.

1. Tell me your favorite beer, why you like it, and why you think I would like it.
2. Produce an authentic sample of said beer. I guarantee I’ll give you a hug, and possibly a kiss should the quality of the beer merit such action.
3. Tell me about your most recent breakaway attempt. Trust me, I love a good breakaway story. That said, I already know most breakaways fail miserably from personal experience, so don’t lie and tell me you won a race solo — that never happens.
4. Just make fun of me. Heckle me, point blank, to my face. It’ll help acclimate you to the desired level of CX-like heckling during the actual races. Let’s make 2012 the best season of heckling Road Racing has ever seen!
5. Describe your favorite crit course. If you can’t recite each corner in exquisite detail, don’t bother with this one.
6. Tell me your least favorite thing about Professional Cyclist Paul Mach’s blog.
7. Tell me some outlandish “this is what the kids are using these days” slang. The more hip, vulgar, or unintelligible, the better. I’ve been using “skrilla” and “balls deep” a lot, but that stuff is already dated. I’m always on the prowl for some street cred with the youngsters, and new slang is at a premium now that I’m supposed to be building a rapport with my U23 teammates.
8. Ask me for a Custom CounterattackingReality.com Clean Bottle.

Seriously. I have Google Analytics, so I know at least a few people read this shit — don’t be shy! Come say hi!

I haven’t been particularly present in the digital world of late, and it’s mostly because I’m still rather embarrassed by my Mt. San Bruno experience on New Year’s Day.

(Photo Credit: Sonia Sofia Milan)

If you recall, the internet predicted a pretty good race for my Cal Giant teammate Chris Stastny and I. As you can see in the graphic below, that USACycling Race Predictor is a load of horse s&*t, and I am not even going to bother making excuses for my poor performance. Staz and I executed a damn-near perfect Mullet Ride that day.

Before I fully erase that disaster of a “bike race” from my memory, I’d like to quickly congratulate Nate English (Kenda p/b 5 Hour Energy) for breaking the course record and commend Chris Phipps (Thirsty Bear) for getting about as close as any mortal could to matching that lungmuscle. I’d also like to congratulate Stastny on finishing with almost exactly the same time as the past three years.

Dude, if you’re gonna keep training so hard in the off season, at least get faster, would you? Now that you’re my teammate, I care about your successes and loathe your failures.

What else is new? Let’s see. I went for a few one-hour rides over the course of the past few weeks, which is a pretty typical “training load” for me. Because it’s been exceedingly warm and exceedingly dry, I chose to frequent the trails behind UCSF’s Parnassus campus, in the highlands of San Francsico near Twin Peaks.

Now, I think that area is technically known as the Mount Sutro Open Space Preserve, but I’m going to relabel it “Yarra Park” after my 2011 ‘cross nemesis Derek Yarra.

This is not a deferential label, nor is it meant to honor or glorify Mr. Yarra in any way. Instead, I’m calling this small swath of trail-marbled greenery “Yarra Park” because it’s where I trained this winter in my quest to defeat my nemesis Derek at his own sport of CX. Having succeeded in doing so, I want to commemorate the occasion. Perhaps I’ll bust open a bottle of champagne on a tree in that park and drink it on the trail as a christening. Who’s in? Derek, care to join me?

Nomenclature aside, after fifteen minutes of ripping around singletrack on my road bike, my face looks like this. It’s weird, my mouth curves upwards and shows my teeth, and my eyes look happy.

Besides a few short, happy rides during the week, not much happened in the way of bicycles until this past weekend, at which point shit got “cray.”

Saturday morning, I headed up to Marin to do a long ride with my friends Roman Kilun (Kenda p/b 5 Hour Energy) and Andy Goessling (Mike’s Bikes). Many of you probably know Roman, technically a lawyer who’s been so busy racing professionally on teams like Health Net, OUCH and Kenda since he graduated with his JD that he hasn’t bothered to practice. Yet. Joining us on this ride was Roman’s Kenda teammate Jim Stemper, who I actually recognized from somewhere else.

Jim absolutely shattered my belief that all Pro cyclists are boring and lame and bothersome by being, well, entirely tolerable. In fact, he was pretty effing funny. Jim is training in the Bay Area for a few months, so if you see him riding on your local roads, I highly recommend latching onto his wheel and sitting there as long as you can. Mutely, if possible. He told me he loves that. If you see Roman, don’t bother trying to ride with him — you’ll see why in a second.

Roman tends to do most of his winter training aboard an ancient Cannondale CAAD3 (yes, three) with downtube shifters, a steel fork, an offensively neon green paint job, and a creepy stuffed koala bear mounted behind the rear brake. This bike is worthy of the title “hooptie,” and I’ve even made fun of it on the blog previously.

Just before we set out on our five-ish hour ride, I poked fun at this haphazard collection of antiquated parts Roman calls a bike. “Dude, what are you talking about?” he responded, “This bike isn’t a hooptie, it’s solid.”

Yep. Super solid. About an hour into the ride, Roman broke his rear downtube shifter boss straight off of his frame.

This failure was probably due to the gusto with which Roman shifts into harder gears while he’s, ahem, “Kilun it” on the climbs.

Was this suddenly unshiftable hooptie a problem? Nah. All it took was one bike shop employee (Andy), two pro cyclists (Roman and Jim), one lawyer (Roman) and one science PhD student (Me) to design an elegant solution: you simply have to MacGyver the shit out of the situation and mount the rear shifting mechanism onto the front (left) shifter boss. Like a boss!

Laughing, joking, and bullshitting, the four of us rode our bicycles out to the Point Reyes lighthouse and back. We even moo’d at dairy cows and what not. It was very pretty.

I was still feeling rather sprightly at the 3.5 hour point, which was pleasantly surprising given my predilection for < 1 hour rides. Then we began climbing Mount Tam, at which point I went all “Cadel Evans” and cracked when it mattered most. My inability to climb is notable, consistent, and disturbing.

Thankfully, my ineptitude was my salvation. I chose to take a slight shortcut over Alpine Dam back to my car for a cool 5 hours of riding, whereas the Pro contingent kept riding over the Mount Tam summit — and in the final hour of their ride, amassed five flat tires between the three of them.

Just another Roman Ride, it seems. Fun, fraught with catastrophe, painful, and ultimately worthwhile.

This is what a flat criterium “specialist*” like me looks like after a long ride with significant climbing at the end.

I guess I should have taken a 5-Hour Energy, eh, guys?

I think a side-by-side comparison obviates the need to describe my life as a cyclist in words. Here’s what amounts to a graphical summary of this post — nay, my career.

And so, while I had originally committed to a ~5 hour ride with some teammates the following day, I did what any self-respecting crit racer ought: I bailed last-minute, went to my laboratory for a while instead, and then “raced” Sunday’s Early Bird Training Crit in Fremont. After the usual breakaway shuffle for the first half of the event, I ended up in a late-race breakaway with Ethan Sopenski (SJBC), Daniel Holloway (Phil Mooney’s replacement at Raleigh Pro Cycling) and Chuck Hutcheson (McGuire Mismatched Kit Squad). I won with a last-lap attack — but I’m pretty sure they let me.

My teammate Eamon Lucas, a huge fan of the Caps Lock key, was quick to describe the experience as eloquently as I’ve ever seen.

Hurrah! I already “won” a “race!” From a small breakaway, no less! Who would have guessed? And my teammate won the field sprint! Total domination of what amounts to a crit scrimmage game!

I’d also like to point out that — for approximately the first time ever — I beat a Cal Giant rider in a crit. That he is my teammate is a minor technicality.

The moral of the story, of course, is that I just straight-up suck at being a real bike racer. I can barely even finish a run-of-the-mill training ride, then I bail on another training ride because I’m afraid of the miles, and then I “win” a race that doesn’t matter to anyone. Not even the other people contesting said “race.”

Sigh.

And thus, my friends, 2012 has begun just like 2011 ended: I can’t climb for shit, my road racing outlook is as depressing as Andy Schleck’s Tour chances, and I win crits that don’t matter to anyone. Just stop reading this blog now.

See you at the next Early Bird Crit!

*A criterium “specialist” is also known as “Fatty” by his team. Already. It’s on the official team roster under the First Name header.

It’s an interesting question.

In fact, with the introduction of ‘cross to my life last year, the word “off-season” has almost no meaning; I’ve done at least two races per month in 22 of the past 24 months .

That said, if we loosely define the off-season as a time in which I’m not actively racing, then that’s what part of the season I’m in right now. So, here’s what I’ve been up to:

1. Registering for Bike Races. Well, dammit, what the hell is this? Just last night, I registered for the effing Mount San Bruno Hillclimb — held on January 1st — at the behest of my now-teammate Chris “Staz” Stastny (Cal Giant). Staz has made a habit of running the same exact time at this event for the past three years in spite of consistent off-season claims that he’s getting faster.

As we all know, climbing hills sucks girthy downtubes, so I am pretty bummed about my decision to register; however, thanks to the modern wizardry underlying the new USACycling.org website, I don’t even have to show up.

You see, USAC takes the pre-registration list and automatically predicts the outcome of the event based on some technical juju. Lo and behold, I think it’s pretty accurate.

Now, it doesn’t take a complicated algorithm to predict a 2nd place for me in a bike race, particularly in the presence of a Cal Giant rider. I mean, shit, I’ll probably end up getting 2nd place to myself in a solo breakaway this year if historical precedent holds…but I digress.

More notable still is the ludicrous prediction that either Staz or I will beat Chris Phipps (Thirsty Bear), who has been making it clear on Twitter (@CPbike) that his entire season’s preparation is geared around peaking for this event. However, practical details like “Chris Phipps is a climber and Stastny and I are not” aside, I really like the fact that this newfangled “Race Predictor” has put the pressure on my teammate to win, and I hope everyone will loudly and publicly mock Staz should he lose the event*.

But enough of that nonsense. Please pretend I did not just register for a race that only involves a climb on the first of January. Let’s get back to the “off-season” talk, shall we?

2. Being a Cycling Socialite. As many of you know, I do love a good, evening social engagement involving cyclists — especially if they are fast, important, or otherwise name-droppable. These can range from simple, impromptu dudes’ nights with darts…

…to high-class parties with hosted bars and fancy people. The Christmas party depicted below is one of legendary status, thrown by the director of the Cal Giant Cycling Team, Anthony “Guido” Gallino. Guido is shown here, doing what he does best: schmoozing.

Now, according to Guido, I’ve already made some marketing folks at Specialized uncomfortable because I poked fun at young Cal Giant ‘crosser Tobin Ortenbladder in my previous posts. In order to make things right, I’ll try to celebrate the results of some of Cal Giant’s premier riders. You see, this party — always attended by a “who’s who” of top cyclists, industry high-rollers, and a taco truck serving free mexican food — was also attended by one James Mattis (Cal Giant). James Mattis is most famous for marrying a real bike racer, former World Cup leader and National Champion Kathryn Curi Mattis. However, he’s also had a few good results himself, like a National Road Race victory in 2008 and a 3rd place at the 2009 Watsonville Criterium behind Ben Jacques-Maynes (Bissell) and me. However, last year, he really stepped it up a notch and won the Masters World Championship Road Race**.

(Photo Credit: The Road Diaries)

I don’t know much about masters racing, so I assume that’s just about as impressive as that time your grandma won $100 from a slot machine in Reno on a family vacation***. However, Mattis’ result did not go unnoticed entirely. The kind folks at Craig Roemer Wines (and by that, I believe I just mean Craig Roemer, Specialized Masters Team member and one of the many people who is twice my age and can still righteously crush me in an ITT) commemorated Mattis’ victory with a special edition Pinot Noir, graced by his lanky countenance on an ultra-commemorative label.

If you can get a hold of one of Roemer’s J.A.W.S. (Jamesmattis Actually Won Something) wines, I’d highly recommend it. If it’s anywhere near as good as his flagship C.R.A.P. (Craig Roemer Artisin Pinot), it’ll be worth every penny.

3. Riding My Bike with Fun People. Now I often try to make it seem like my life is nothing but parties and work and avoiding my bike, but the truth is, I’ve been riding. In fact, I’ve been riding off-road exclusively, regardless of which bike I ride: ‘cross, MTB or road.

For example, I went for a nice three hour “road” ride with the 2012 Mount San Bruno Hillclimb champion Chris Stastny and the world-famous Ryan Parnes (formerly euro-PRO Raleigh Cycling, now Marc Pro – Strava). We went on a local ride known as the “Planet of the Apes,” which traverses an abandoned, eerie, chopped up, semi-dirt, semi-paved, hilly, beautiful road from Pacifica to Montara, high above the ocean.

Parnes selected deep-section carbon wheels for this rough, dirty, hilly training ride. Interesting choice, Ryan.

It should be noted that race wheels failed to keep Ryan from being dropped on every incline, though I’m sure they aided his quest to win the San Francisco City and County line sprint.

My off-road activities were not limited to the road bike, of course. While I was in my hometown of Chico for Christmas, I went for a few genuine mountain bike rides in my old stomping grounds known as Upper Bidwell Park. It’s quite pretty out there, as long as you’re not moving.

As soon as your bike begins to roll, the park becomes brutal, rocky, jarring, technical, and ultimately perfect mountain biking. Riding a hardtail in Chico’s Upper Bidwell Park lies at the Venn Diagram intersection of “Feeling Like You’re Truly Alive,” and “Feeling Like You’re About to Die.” Really, that’s what mountain biking is all about.

Just ask local climbing aficionado, 2010 NCNCA District Road Race Champion, progenitor of the term “mullet ride,” and soon-to-be Captain of the Stevens Women’s Cycling Team, Susannah Breen. I went on a dirt ride with Susannah last week, and I have to say, she’s pretty good for some quotes. Before we had even gotten on our bikes, she had spewed a few gems, including:

“Rand, what wheels are you getting on your Specialized Venge next year? Frankly, you better be putting Zipp 808s on that thing, because 303s are p*&&y climber wheels.”

Noted, Ms. Climber Chick. You would know. And yes, I am getting 808s.

“Hey Rand, you’re not wearing baggy clothes on this MTB ride are you? You better not be, ’cause baggy shorts make you look like a [expletive] nerd.”

Nope. I chose to wear my old Webcor kits, ’cause there’s nothing nerdy about that. Riiiight.

“I like riding with guys because dudes like to talk shit!”

She might look like a nice, mild-mannered girl, but damn — she actually talks like that about half the time. I think I’m going to try and make her a fixture on this site.

Not content to simply talk mad shit for entertainment, Susannah managed to unceremoniously snap her chain while we were still about 2 miles and 1000 vertical feet from the car.

Originally, I assumed this was simply because a district road race champion like Ms. Breen was putting so much raw, unbridled power through the pedals that her chain couldn’t handle the pressure.

However, upon careful review of ride footage, the ruling on the trail was overturned. As was Susannah.

Seems her chain was likely stressed in an earlier finesse-less maneuver. And so, while there was no way I could even keep up with a climber like Suzie B. on the ascents, I insisted on descending behind her for the remainder of the ride such that I might witness any further faceplants. I don’t know about you, but that picture makes me laugh aloud, so I’m sharing that joy with y’all. ‘Tis the season!

In summary, my off-season has been a smashing success until last night, at which point I summarily ruined it by registering for a hill climb. At least I know I’ll continue my trend of getting 2nd place to Cal Giant riders in the upcoming 2012 season thanks to USAC’s “race predictor!”

See you on the road (or trail) soon! If you’re awake, or even better, if you’re still drunk from the evening’s festivities, come heckle at the Hill Climb! Or just heckle me on Facebook!

*I’m already psyching my own teammates out on the internet. I’m gonna get fired like, two months into this season, aren’t I?

**If you feel like your evening is too exciting and you want to take it down a notch, go read Mattis’ actual race report. It’s as exciting as reading through Max Jenkins’ training files in binary code.

***I kid, of course. Rainbow stripes? That’s legitimately impressive.

Merry Christmas everyone! Here’s to hoping your holidays are filled with great friends, great family, great riding, and that no corners are cut in the beer department.

See you soon!
-Rand

As if a nerdy blogger like myself knows shit about girls, allow me to make an analogy.

This whole “race ‘cross and then go back to road” thing smacks of some daytime soap opera relationship drama. I feel like I’m playing both sports at the same time: I leave my full-time, long-term, routine sport (Road) for the enticing charisma of the sexy, new, exciting, dangerous, and dirty lover (‘Cross). Then, I hesitate — I wonder whether ‘Cross is good for me in the long run. I leave ‘Cross and head back to the comfortable embrace of Road, even though it’s obvious I’m meant to be with ‘Cross. After all, ‘Cross doesn’t care if I drink beer a little bit too often; ‘Cross doesn’t mind that I’m a little overweight; ‘Cross likes hanging out and talking shit with my guy friends; ‘Cross makes me happy even when I don’t win; ‘Cross is loose and curvy*. But no, I tell myself:  ‘Cross doesn’t offer as much money, and it’s simply not as safe and familiar as Road. I quickly find myself back together with Road**.

Not that I have a weird relationship with bike racing, or anything.

Anyway, with this final ‘cross post, I’ll tie up a few loose ‘cross ends before I make the digital and emotional transition back to road.

I’ll begin with the most important news from last weekend: in my final race of the ‘cross season, I finally beat my nemesis, Derek Yarra (Ibis – BuyCell.com). If you remember, I have four rules for a racing nemesis:

1. Must be beatable (but not without serious dedication)
2. Must be charismatic
3. Must want to beat me
4. Must do stupid shit that I can post on this blog

Clearly, Yarra fulfilled rules 2 – 4 over the course of this ‘cross season, but I didn’t come anywhere near beating him for the majority of the season. I was beginning to be self-conscious about my general suckage. Then, as if the spirit of the Great Reaney was looking after me, I beat Derek Yarra in my final ‘cross race of the season with a literally vomit-inducing attack on the final climb of the final Bay Area Super Prestige race, going on to finish 8th.

The final tally for 2011 is thus: Yarra: ~5, Rand: 1. At least I scored a goal.

I had some help during the race from my midget twin, Eric Wohlberg, who set a great pace until a late-race crash took him out of contention.

(Photo Credit: Devon Trux)

I’m pretty sure this is what a nightmare about killer, Oompa Loompa*** clones looks like, at least as far as the rider in blue, Kirt Fitzpatrick (Squadra Ovest), is concerned. And yes, I’ve had that dream, too.

Sadly, I was still beaten by my nemesis-runner-up Keith “The Killier” Hillier (Marc Pro – Strava) in a fierce two-man sprint for 7th.

(Photo Credit: Devon Trux)

Sure, he crossed the line ahead of me, but we effectively tied, according to the results.

Since Killier was given a callup to the front line, and I had to start near the back of the pack, I’m going to give myself a few extra seconds at the finish. So yeah, I beat Keith, too. #nemesiswatch****.

Andy Jacques-Maynes (Cal Giant) showed up and laid a genuine smack-down on the field to take the win, though I’m a bit confused — not only by his choice to race the BASP over the concurrent, high-profile USGPs up in Bend, OR — but also by his choice of victory salute.

(Photo Credit: Devon Trux)

Though, with a win that convincing, it’s possible he just can’t bring his legs any closer together than that due to the size of … nevermind.

If you recall, Andy merely ignored me a while ago when I asked him if he reads my blog, so thankfully he won’t see this post. I hope.

Now, while Andy Jacques-Maynes was playing tee ball with us locals, his son, 17-year-old Tobin Ortenblad (Cal Giant), was up in Oregon, racing to a third place in Saturday’s Junior 17-18 race.

Now, that’s a good result and all, but what I really want to point out is that his team management pays attention to this bullshit blog. Last time I posted, I mocked The Ortenbladder because of his lack of team-issue apparel.

(Photo Credit: Steven Woo)

Well, according to this article on the team website, he was pretty kitted out by the time he made it to the USGP in Oregon.

(Photo Credit: Lyne Lamoureux)

Tobin, I hope you realize that I expect a kickback of any cool equipment your team gives you as a consequence of this blog and the publicity it brings to your team apparel faux-pas’. Let’s see how well this works: HEY TOBIN, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVEN’T BEEN TRAINING ON YOUR $18,000 SPECIALIZED S-WORKS/McLAREN VENGE LATELY. YOUR TEAM PROBABLY WANTS YOU TO RIDE THAT, RIGHT?

I’ll be waiting for the UPS guy to drop it off at my house, ‘Bladder.

With that, I think I’m about done with the ‘crossblogging for 2011. I’m so over you, ‘Cross. As soon as I’ve moved back in with Road, I’ll get around to writing about the skinny-tired world again. See you guys soon!

*Uh, what? That got awkward really quickly.

**I mean, Road does have bigger chainrings. I’m a sucker for big chainrings.

***Yukie has been heckling me as an Oompa Loompa for some time, so credit for this comparison goes to her.

**** The #nemesiswatch hashtag is courtesy Andrew Cathcart on Twitter (@sfc750).

It was the night before the Golden Gate Park BASP #3 ‘cross race. I settled down to bed, a bit later than I had hoped, having spent most of the day traveling home to San Francsico after a short but tortuous journey to rural Illinois to spend Thanksgiving with my extended family. I drifted quickly to sleep, my eyes thankful for the much-needed rest I required in order to be competitive in the following day’s ‘cross race…

The dream begins uninterestingly. I’m inside a building on a nondescript block of downtown SF. I’m chatting with a few people, also uninteresting. That’s when I became cognizant of the fact that someone has stolen my ‘cross bike; I don’t know how I found out, but you know the way dreams are, where things happen and morph and it all makes sense at the time. Regardless, I walk outside to my car, as if I was somehow going to remedy the theft, but as I reach down to unlock the door, I’m approached by a man carrying a pair of bicycle wheels (locked together with a U-lock) and a ‘cross frame (locked to the man’s wrist with a pair of handcuffs). I quickly ascertain that it is, in fact, my ‘cross bike in his possession. The man steps out of the shadows and, to my dismay, it’s none other than Derek Yarra. He demands $950 for the bicycle, which I angrily refuse. He shrugs, turns around and says over his shoulder, “I guess I win, then, don’t I?” with a smirk.

I awoke with a start.

Seriously, that is a true story. The night before a ‘cross race, I had a dream that my ‘Cross Nemesis, Derek Yarra, stole my ‘cross bike, locked it to his own arm, demanded money for it, and then ended the dream abruptly with an action-movie-esque one-liner. Talk about a worthy opponent: not content to heckle/beat me in the real world, he took the battle to the ephemeral world of dreams*.

Suffice to say, his nemesis tactics worked like a charm.

Presumably as a consequence of the fitful sleep that followed my dream, I only completed 1.5 of 8 laps the following day, while Derek rode to a 15th place finish. However, he was seen dismounting (by me, in street clothes, long before the Elite Men’s race was over, because I suck) over some barriers, a distinct departure from his “I bunnyhop your mom” attitude.

Perhaps it was the weight of the extra ‘cross bike locked to his conscience.

Anyway, the record stands. ‘Cross Nemesis Yarra: ~5, Rand: 0. I’m not very good at this “nemesis” thing, am I?

The nice thing about my Odyssean** failures in bike races is that it makes it so much more apparent that I should be talking less about myself and more about others. As if that needed to be said.

Now, I could write at length about how badass the HRS-Rocklobster duo of Aaron Bradford and Scott Chapin are — after all, they are utter badasses — but everyone already knows that. It’s only so much fun to write about notable, immaculately landscaped facial hair and perfect ‘cross technique.

(Photo Credit: Ted Ketai)

I mean, those guys are so flawless, they went 1-2 in the first two BASPs without sweating. Or breathing. Or gravity, apparently. There’s just nothing to make fun of with those two. Instead, I should be talking about riders like Tobin Ortenblad (Cal Giant ‘Cross Team).

(Photo Credit: Steven Woo)

I met officially met Tobin right before the start of the GGP race, though I’ve known who he was since he trounced me at the BASP opener at Candlestick Park a month ago. Tobin has four notable features:

1. He kicks some serious ‘cross race ass, which is hard to do.
2. His name is weirder than mine, which is hard to do.
3. He’s like 16.5 years old.
4. He spraypaints his own sunglasses bright orange because he likes that “custom look,” but isn’t respected enough for his low-life ‘cross team (Cal Giant) to give him any.

Anyway, at this pseudo-high-profile race in Golden Gate Park, the young Tobin Ortenblad managed to sneak himself between the, older, more experienced Rock Lobsters, earning a solid 2nd place sandwiched between Bradford (1st) and Chapin (3rd).

(Photo Credit: Ana Villafane Photography)

The best thing about Tobin is that he only recently received his Cat 2 license on the road so, while he might “old-school haxor-style” pwn me at ‘cross races, I will soon get to show him what real bike races (also known as crits) are all about. [Ed. note: it should be pointed out that Derek Yarra is a lowly Cat 4 with nary a single upgrade point. Yer doin' it wrong.]

Now, take a closer look at the podium photograph I showed you earlier.

(Photo Credit: Ana Villafane Photography)

Krishna Dole (Sheila Moon) placed a stellar fourth, which is pretty much exactly where I’d have expected him to finish. However, do you see that guy on the far right? Who is that? Seriously. How many people know who that guy who finished in 5th place is?

That guy is the worlds least-appreciated fast ‘cross racer: Mitch Trux (City Cycles, and author of the also-underappreciated VeloCouch blog).

Mitch is to cycling what the Green Flash West Coast IPA is to beers: connoisseurs know he’s one of the most awesome, rugged, hardcore racers there is, but few laymen have ever heard of him.

Mitch has already won a few local ‘cross races and finished reasonably well at the Sierra Point BASP #2, but his 5th place in Golden Gate Park put him ahead of some serious ‘cross talent; I’ll say it now, I think Mitch is going to be “a thing” in the ‘cross world next season. Provided, of course, he loses those ridiculous sunglasses and has Tobin spraypaint a set of bright pink Radars for him or something.

Alright, with that, I’m out of here. There’s beer to drink and science to do, in no particular order. Next time I post, I’ll probably talk about last weekend’s Cal Giant Cycling Team mini-camp, which has been documented by the inimitable Lyne Lamoureux (Podium Insight), but in a slightly less formal fashion.

(Photo: Lyne Lamoureux)

As a blogger with a bent for the ludicrous and almost no shame whatsoever, I am in a unique position to discuss the inner workings of the seemingly serious Cal Giant organization, and I relish the possibilities.

Oh, and by the way, this weekend’s BASP finale — held on a great course on Coyote Point — marks the final event in the 2011 Rand Miller v. Derek Yarra deathmatch. Come heckle us both into oblivion!

*Incidentally, this is the same world in which I’m actually a fast bike racer and not a crit fatty, so maybe that’s why he was so aggressive.

**The word “epic” may be overplayed, but references to Greek literature are not. Yet.

Last night, I was made aware of the term “Mullet Ride” by local standout racer Susannah Breen (ex-Fremont Bank, now-Captain of the Stevens Cycling Team), a talented climber who pretends like she doesn’t take the sport seriously. Susannah coined this apt term and I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first, what with my mullet infatuation and all. Anyway, from now on, whenever a group ride starts getting hectic as described above, please declare “Mullet Ride!” and come party with Susannah and I at the back.

OK, on with the post. The first order of business is to crown Derek Yarra (Ibis) as my Official ‘Cross Nemesis. Not only is he my personal favorite for the position, but he also appears to be the readers’ choice as well.

Even before he was selected, Yarra took it upon himself to start the rivalry off with some rapidfire Twitter smack talk, spawning a #cxtrashtalk hashtag.

I have a feeling this will be a very heated battle of atheticism and personality, and I’ll be updating you all as it progresses — particularly when I beat him. Stay tuned.

Next, I’d like to finally announce my 2012 road cycling team after an extended delay.

(Predicted Imagery: Tim Westmore)

Yes, that’s correct. As some of you have already guessed, I am racing for the California Giant Cycling Team next year, a primarily-U23 team full of talented, young, NRC-level stage racers. Cue stifled laughs, gasps of disbelief, and accusations of bribery. How in the hell does a washed up, 26-year-old criterium specialist make it onto that roster? Every morning, I wake up and find it just as unbelievable as you: I’m now a part of the most successful, most talented, most well-run, and most well-supported amateur team in the nation.

Well, at least I think I am.

Let’s back up a bit. I’ve spent the past five years of my cycling career being mocked, scorned, toyed with, and ultimately beaten by the Cal Giant team. For years, I’ve been the punching bag used by this heavyweight squad as they fine tune their NRC legs at local races. I should be used to the abuse by now.

Several weeks ago, I signed a piece of paper known as a “contract,” legally binding me to the Cal Giant team, which is far more official than anything else I’ve done in this sport to date. The other new riders on the team did the same.

A few days later, an anxiously-awaited press release was issued by the Cal Giant team, disclosing the names of the new additions to the team.

As many of you who have already seen the press release know, I was nowhere to be seen on this list. At first, I thought it was just a dirty trick being played by the Cal Giant team; yet again, they were toying with me as they have been for half a decade. But, no, I had signed a contract. I was on the team.

Then it occurred to me: Steve Reaney is the Dread Pirate Roberts of the cycling world, ready to retire from his successful career, and I am his Westley*.

Steve Reaney, a feared and revered crit pirate who smites his opponents with a few swift pedal strokes, has been beating me from two-man breakaways for years now. We’re about as similar as you can imagine: we prefer technical crits, we prefer breaks, we’re both crotchety chemists, and we both race extremely aggressively. I’ve known for some time that Reaney intended to retire at the end of the 2011 season, but he hadn’t told very many people. After my name was omitted from the press release it became clear: I don’t think Cal Giant signed “Rand Miller” to their squad at all. Instead, they’re going to force me to gain about 75 pounds, build some muscle, and change my name to Steve Reaney. I am the new Dread Pirate Reaney, albeit an admittedly slower version. With great power comes great responsibility, so I had better get to training.

Or perhaps there’s an alternative explanation: the team’s management is just embarrassed by the grave mistake they made in signing me, and don’t want anyone to know that I’m on the team.

Either way, I am one of the Cal Giant criterium guys even if there’s no online evidence, and I will have a battery of 20ish-year-old minions to work with. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I now have crit minions, and they’re all ridiculously talented. This is gonna be a kickass road season**.

But there’s still the rest of the ‘cross season to get through, and lots of bloggery as a consequence, so I’ll see you dirt-crazies next weekend in Golden Gate Park! Yarra, I’m going to be there to capitalize when you botch a barrier bunny hop.

*If you don’t get this reference, you have no soul because you have not seen “The Princess Bride.” Here’s an explanation, you heathen.

**In all seriousness, thanks to Webcor/Alto Velo for supporting me for the past four seasons, and thanks to Cal Giant for selecting me for the 2012 squad. Moving to the Cal Giant team is a huge step up for me, and I’m stoked for the opportunity.

Not content to simply compete against all comers, I have a history of turning bike racing into a grudge match; often it reduces a field of 100 to a field of two before the race has even begun. Many of you have watched over the years as my most recent nemesis, Steve “The Naked Mole Rat” Reaney, bested me in nearly every encounter, the majority being two-man breakaways. Looking back, perhaps he was less my nemesis than I was his plaything. Nevertheless, I prefer the word “nemesis.”

(Photo Credit: Steven Woo)

The key to a good nemesis is to find someone who is beatable — though not without significant dedication to the art — someone who is charismatic, someone who strongly wants to beat you as well, and someone who does things to encourage humorous blog posts.

I think the final point is most important; after all, since Reaney’s untimely retirement toward the end of August of last year, I can’t help but notice that my blogging has suffered immensely.

However, ‘cross season is well underway, and I’ve already received a few applications for the position of ‘Cross Nemesis.

Previously, I threw the proverbial, white, full-fingered glove at the feet of Keith Hillier (Marc Pro – Strava), stating that I would even consider training in order to beat him in a ‘cross race.

Since that time, Hillier has blogged about his desire to avoid such an upset, and has also made his feelings for the sport of ‘cross known.

I think my expression below makes my feelings about Keith and his ‘cross abilities known as well.

(Photo Credit: Dale Tapley)

Now, I would say that Hillier is perhaps beatable and also does enough stupid stuff in his own right, like wearing his helmet and gloves on the podium — therefore, he presents himself as a strong candidate for my nemesis position. However, thus far I’ve only managed to embarrass myself in his presence: each and every ‘cross race I’ve entered, I have crashed directly in front of Keith after getting a great start. Every time, as I flail around on the ground like a recently upended, skinsuited roly-poly, I see the brilliant neon green flash of Hillier as he passes, shaking his head, kindly avoiding my head with his front wheel, and softly uttering “Seriously? Not again, Rand” as if he’s not even breathing. A nemesis oughtn’t be embarrassed by his foe, so perhaps he’s overqualified for the job.

Next, we have Rainier Schaefer (MASH SF), who is certainly beatable (I’ve already beaten him), certainly mockable (he wears cargo shorts on podium), and charismatic (he’s one of the few ‘crossers ever to heckle me while we were both racing, in a female voice no less). He even heckles me on Flickr.

(Photo Credit: Tim Westmore)

However, most importantly, he’s kind of like the Starla Teddergreen of the men’s cycling scene: he’s cool, he’s got tattoos, the hipsters think he’s legit, and he’s fast. In other words, having him as my nemesis practically guarantees entry into the upper echelons of the alleycat racing scene (not to mention it might get me quick service at hip Mission District establishments like Benders Bar or Gestalt). He also beat me at last Saturday night’s Sierra Point ‘cross race on a single speed. In the “geared bike” race. What a stud. What a perfect nemesis.

Finally, we have Ibis Cycles’ Derek Yarra, renowned for bunnyhopping anything and everything in his path, even if it’s probably faster to dismount; rumor has it he was bunnyhopping the Barrier of Unusual Size at the Stafford Lake CX a few weeks ago.

(Photo adapted from Veronika Lenzi)

Now, Yarra presents a strong case for nemesishood for several reasons. First and foremost, he has a pirate name. Secondly, he has a blog of his own, so our nemesision is not limited to the ‘cross course but can also take place online. Third, he’s potentially beatable so long as the barriers are taller than he can bunnyhop (unfortunately, this means they’ll be taller than me). Fourth, he’s very vocal about his intentions.

Finally and most importantly, he does some seriously mockable stuff. Just before last weekend’s Sierra Point Night Race, the second race of the venerable BASP series, Derek pulled off his thermal vest to reveal the worst skinsuit faux-pas I’ve seen since Cavendish’s 3/4-length British World Championships kit.

Anyway, here’s the offending skinsuitage.

Look, guys: if your skinsuit won’t zip over your midsection, just admit you’re not the Kate Moss you once were and buy the next size up. There’s no shame in admitting you’re getting older and thicker. Hell, just tell the clothing rep. for your team that you’ve been hitting the gym if that makes you feel better. But come on, Derek, not only are you trying to squeeze into your little sister’s skinsuit, but you pulled a Category 4 number pinning job on your zipper before the most high-profile ‘cross race in the district.

Now it’s time for the readers to weigh in, because I can’t make a decision like this lightly and I can’t make it unilaterally. Who should I announce as my ‘Cross Nemesis for the remainder of the season?

Keep in mind that a declaration of nemesisdom almost guarantees that I’ll finish second to this person about eight times, which indirectly guarantees said athlete about eight victories. So really, it’s all up to you, readers. Don’t blow it.

Next time we speak, I’ll not only have selected a ‘Cross Nemesis (with careful consideration of your advice), but I’ll also probably have spent enough time scouring the new “NorCal Heckling Rulebook” and will be in a position to discuss its merits and its flaws (the biggest of which I can already tell you: it was written by “Hellyer” over at NorCalCyclingNews, who is one of the most vicious hecklers I’ve met and is, in fact, the first person to ever have sprayed beer at me in a ‘cross race).

Until then, I bid you farewell and pray that you’re enjoying a fine recovery beverage like I am right now.

*Nontrivial amounts of Awesome Points go to he or she who can immediately identify the source of the title quote.

So what have I been up to?

First of all, I’ve been taking my Custom Clean Bottles* on tour and doing photoshoots that would make Bob Ross giddy. Well, giddier than usual, perhaps.

Secondly, those of you who live in the San Francisco area are aware that, at least until today, the weather has been undeniably superb. So great, in fact, that I’ve been spinning about town with my sleeves rolled all the way up to “triathlon chic” levels.

I post that picture not simply to highlight my gollumness or to prove that it’s been really warm, but also to mention that this is probably the last photograph of me in a Webcor kit that will ever be taken.

I’ll let the gravity of that statement sink in gradually. In the meantime, I’ll explain what I mean by “this is probably the last photograph of me in a Webcor kit.”

1. Cyclocross:

For the remainder of the “off-season,” I’ll be exclusively found sporting the ultra-badass, black and red kit of my CX team, Sterling Sports.

There are two things I’d like to say about the photograph above. First, that’s a picture of me and a man by the name of Eric Wohlberg; if you’re a heathen and don’t know who that is, I’ll elaborate. Eric Wohlberg has been racing bikes since before I was born. In college, I distinctly remember updating my AIM profile with statistics about this Canadian cycling legend. I used to have a poster of him in his Saturn Cycling Team kit on my wall in high school. In other words, he was my hero. Now he is my teammate, and he puts his arm awkwardly far around my shoulder! My life is complete.

The second thing I’d like to say about the photograph is that, when the heads are switched, the photograph is more or less indistinguishable.

This must be the reason why, during both ‘cross races I’ve done so far this year, I get just as many “Go Eric!” cheers as I do “Rand, you suck!” heckles. I can only hope Eric is getting exactly the same confusing spectator response. While flattering for me, I imagine it’s infuriating to my teammate.

Now, It was pointed out in a recent comment by local cyclocross specialist Krishna Dole that cyclocross fits my cycling personality perfectly.

Already, I’ve found this to be true. Take, for example, a simple comparison between two photographs readily available on Flickr, each of which was rather well-publicized shortly after it was posted.

First, the photograph of me winning the NCNCA Criterium Championship.

(Photo Credit: Etienne Fontan)

This photograph, depicting the single-most successful day of my cycling career, has 708 views today, well over a month after it was posted. Contrast that with the following photograph, which depicts me (and/or Eric Wohlberg) snatching a dollar bill from the neon green “mankini” of an on-course heckler, Jono Coulter.

(Photo Credit: Jenny Oh)

This photograph has 1,025 views after only thirteen days. Apparently, doing stupid shit is more popular on the internet than winning — who’da thunk?

Anyway, Krishna is right. Cyclocross is my kind of scene. Heckling — something I’ve been trying to encourage in the crit racing scene — is mainstream and acceptable at ‘cross races, beer drinking is a must (both after and during races), technical skills are paramount, and making a fool of one’s self is the best way to get attention. I’m in.

Apparently so are the hecklers. I was only recently made aware that there’s an “Official Heckle Rand Miller Group” on Facebook, and I’d encourage anyone who enjoys insulting me to join this group immediately.

Join the group now, so you can coordinate with fellow hecklers for this Sunday’s Stafford Lake CX race.

Held in nearby Novato, and promoted by local dirt-cycling aficionado Murphy Mack, this race is sure to be a perfect combination of bike racing and beer. I hope to see you there.

Now, before I move on from discussing the spectacle of ‘cross, I would like to pose a question. Where in the hell did Keith Hillier (Marc Pro – Strava) come from?

Keith is one of those local guys who I love racing with on the road because he’s easily intimidated and is usually pretty easy to beat. However, he’s hit ‘cross season absolutely flying and appears to be getting faster in each event he enters. He’s technically flawless and apparently can average 208bpm for an entire one hour ‘cross race. I think Keith has finished on the podium of every race he’s entered thus far, and has been privy to watching me crash right in front of him several times. My new ‘cross season goal: beat Keith Hillier in a race. I’d even be willing to train for it…and that’s saying something. Well done, Keith.

2. Moving Up in the World

As I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, I’m switching teams for next season, just in time for my custom Clean Bottles to be the wrong colors. Very astute internet stalkers should be able to figure out which team I am going to, but as of this morning I’m not sure whether I am allowed to publicly announce my signing.

Stay tuned for a full announcement. It should be coming soon; it should be entertaining; it will be unbelievable.

For now, I’m gonna eat some dinner and get some sleep. I hope to see many of you this weekend at the Stafford Lake CX race!

*By the way, Clean Bottle has opened up their printing presses to the public, so if you are interested in creating your own custom bottles, check it out:

Additionally, in case you were wondering what your awesome shipment of 200 custom Clean Bottles will look like in your house, here you go.

I don’t really have room for 300 cubic feet of custom bottle in my rather small apartment, and I’m tired of my housemates making fun of me for having a cartoon logo, so I’m going to show up to all of the upcoming races with a bunch of these bottles. If you read this blog and enjoy it, come up and say hi to me at the next race; I don’t care if I’ve never met you before, I promise I’ll be friendly and you’ll get a pretty sweet bottle, too!

As if to motivate me to get back into the game, I arrived home late last night to find a box outside my door with the following hastily scribbled on the side in Sharpie.

Inside this nondescript box was exactly that: the first custom Clean Bottles EVER!!!.

These are the first green/yellow Clean Bottles the world has ever seen and, even better, they are emblazoned with a cartoon caricature of me on a bike riding next to my blog URL!

If you recall, my long term sponsor Clean Bottle — maker of the world’s first water bottle that unscrews at both ends for ease of cleaning — has been collaborating with internet cartoon artist and CX Comicbook extraordinaire Lee “Slonie” Slone to generate these custom bottles and I am extremely grateful to both of them for their work.

It all began as a notebook sketch by Lee shortly after he found my blog.

Now, ten months later, it’s been digitized and turned into “merch” for my blog! My blog has “MERCH!”

Now, as Dr. Malcom said emphatically in Jurassic Park, “…before you even knew what you had, you patented it, and you packaged it, and you slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now [slams hand down on table] you’re selling it!”

I suppose to avoid being ripped in half by a T-rex while on the porta potty as a consequence of my transgressions, I will avoid that last part about “selling.” That’s right, pretty soon, I’ll be distributing these bottles free of charge; in fact, you may end up getting one even if you don’t want it!

As of right now, I have only four of my custom Counterattacking Reality Clean Bottles; the first one goes to Slonie because he designed the whole thing, the second one goes to my friend Yukie because she requested it mere minutes after she heard the idea, and the third one is for me so that I have a nondescript place to hide my my adult “recovery beverages.” The fourth one may or may not be spoken for already. However, according to Clean Bottle, there is an entire case of 200 bottles en route!

If you want one, let me know!

Now if I can just get him to make a custom Counterattacking Reality Bottle Boy outfit to wear at the Tour de France…that would launch the blog to new heights!

See y’all at the Bay Area SuperPrestige ‘cross race in a few hours! I’ll be racing at 1:30pm, so come heckle me!

As you undoubtedly know by now, I spent the entirety of the 2011 road season trying with all my might to win, only to fall short more often than not; therefore, it is with some irony that I managed to win this past week without so much as touching a bike.

This is a perfect time to remind everyone that the NCNCA P/1/2 Points Series standings mean next to nothing at all, but the bottom line is that I won this pointless points series. My mom is probably proud of me, and that’s what really matters in life.

Never mind that Justin Rossi (Marc Pro – Strava) has more than double the number of wins that I do*; never mind that Steve Reaney (Cal Giant) beat me in every single head-to-head battle we entered; never mind that Evan Huffman (Cal Giant) nearly won U23 Nationals in several events; and never mind that Eric Wohlberg (Form Fitness) has more Olympic races under his belt than I have testicles beneath mine. I guess it’s fitting that the year I “win” this competition is the first year they stop referring to it as the BAR (Best All-around Rider); I’ve certainly never been the best, particularly not in the company of the men mentioned above.

Nevertheless, It was a good year for the NCNCA as a whole, and I am proud to be associated with all the riders in it. I just hope y’all aren’t disappointed to have a joker like me take the Criterium Championship and the formerly-BAR title from more deserving riders**.

Changing gears…here’s a quick little anecdote that explains why no enterprising young man should take up cycling as a sport: apparently cyclists don’t look athletic.

I am frequently demeaned by people, mostly because I have been imploring people to heckle during crits, but also because I’m rather easily mocked. I usually let demeaning comments slide like chainlube off a duck’s back, but I was recently told by someone whose opinion I value that I “don’t look like an athlete.”

Here I am, placed on the continuum of athleticism.

(Gollum’s face adapted from Paul Doran’s Flickr)

That comment was kind of a tough pill to swallow, particularly because this person’s example of someone who does look like an athlete was Randy Bramblett (Pactimo). I guess I’m gonna have to bust out that Ed Hardy hat again. Anyway, in order to counteract my early-onset Gollumitis I’ve been looking for a way to become a more well-rounded athlete.

I first considered following the example of Alberto Contador, who has apparently been bulking up his biceps this winter by pumping up his own tires when he flats on local Sausalito group rides.

Then again, I’d have to actually ride to get flats. Best not to bother with that nonsense.

I then thought about taking a hint from my criterium racing hero and unequivocally badass rider, Rahsaan Bahati.

Forget what you’ve heard from me before; if Rahsaan Bahati runs, it’s cool now.

However, running hurts and doesn’t involve awesome technology, so doing that exclusively sounds rather lame. As I was lamenting the overall lameness of running, I saw a Velonews article about the new, totally non-UCI compliant (and girthily proud of it) 2012 Specialized Triathlon Shiv.

I respect triathletes for…well…just about nothing, but I do love it that their governing body doesn’t give a rodent of unusual size‘s ass about 3:1 ratios. I can’t wait until investors buy into my aero Bento Box idea. Anyway, this article reminded me of a universal truism: triathlete girls are pretty much always hot and athletic looking.

If triathlete chicks can look universally hot and physically fit, why can’t I?

Speaking of hot, that’s when I realized I had a hot piece of a…luminum sitting right in my living room.

Suddenly it became clear: I’m going to attain peak athletic form through a completely contrived combination of running, jumping, bike riding, mud obstacle course navigating, bike lifting and recovery beverage drinking!

(Photo Credit: Podium Insight)

That’s right, I’ve decided that cyclocross is the key to becoming a true, well-balanced athlete***. I am so stoked. Krishna Dole, Josh Snead, and Sven f*&king Nys had better bolt their shit down, ’cause I’m ready to race cross. My season debut is going to be in two weeks, and then I should be at each of the Bay Area SuperPrestige events; warm up your heckling voice now.

See you soon, at a mud pit near you!

*He also has more 2nd places than I do, which is…an impressive amount of losing. Cheers, Justin!

**I’d also like to congratulate my Webcor/Alto Velo fraternal twin, Mary Maroon, for winning the W/1/2/3 standings! I’m pretty sure she’s faster than I am, so I’d like to award her the P/1/2 title as well, if that’s possible.

***That, and I’m gonna start doing a shit-ton of pushups and crunches. And I’m cutting my ridiculous hair. I bet I’ll look more like an athlete then.