What does a guy like me — a guy who trains idiotically and infrequently, who thinks criteriums are “real bike races,” and who drinks beer and eats cheese for a pre-race meal during the racing season — do during the “off-season?”
It’s an interesting question.
In fact, with the introduction of ‘cross to my life last year, the word “off-season” has almost no meaning; I’ve done at least two races per month in 22 of the past 24 months .
That said, if we loosely define the off-season as a time in which I’m not actively racing, then that’s what part of the season I’m in right now. So, here’s what I’ve been up to:
1. Registering for Bike Races. Well, dammit, what the hell is this? Just last night, I registered for the effing Mount San Bruno Hillclimb — held on January 1st — at the behest of my now-teammate Chris “Staz” Stastny (Cal Giant). Staz has made a habit of running the same exact time at this event for the past three years in spite of consistent off-season claims that he’s getting faster.
As we all know, climbing hills sucks girthy downtubes, so I am pretty bummed about my decision to register; however, thanks to the modern wizardry underlying the new USACycling.org website, I don’t even have to show up.
You see, USAC takes the pre-registration list and automatically predicts the outcome of the event based on some technical juju. Lo and behold, I think it’s pretty accurate.
Now, it doesn’t take a complicated algorithm to predict a 2nd place for me in a bike race, particularly in the presence of a Cal Giant rider. I mean, shit, I’ll probably end up getting 2nd place to myself in a solo breakaway this year if historical precedent holds…but I digress.
More notable still is the ludicrous prediction that either Staz or I will beat Chris Phipps (Thirsty Bear), who has been making it clear on Twitter (@CPbike) that his entire season’s preparation is geared around peaking for this event. However, practical details like “Chris Phipps is a climber and Stastny and I are not” aside, I really like the fact that this newfangled “Race Predictor” has put the pressure on my teammate to win, and I hope everyone will loudly and publicly mock Staz should he lose the event*.
But enough of that nonsense. Please pretend I did not just register for a race that only involves a climb on the first of January. Let’s get back to the “off-season” talk, shall we?
2. Being a Cycling Socialite. As many of you know, I do love a good, evening social engagement involving cyclists — especially if they are fast, important, or otherwise name-droppable. These can range from simple, impromptu dudes’ nights with darts…
…to high-class parties with hosted bars and fancy people. The Christmas party depicted below is one of legendary status, thrown by the director of the Cal Giant Cycling Team, Anthony “Guido” Gallino. Guido is shown here, doing what he does best: schmoozing.
Now, according to Guido, I’ve already made some marketing folks at Specialized uncomfortable because I poked fun at young Cal Giant ‘crosser Tobin Ortenbladder in my previous posts. In order to make things right, I’ll try to celebrate the results of some of Cal Giant’s premier riders. You see, this party — always attended by a “who’s who” of top cyclists, industry high-rollers, and a taco truck serving free mexican food — was also attended by one James Mattis (Cal Giant). James Mattis is most famous for marrying a real bike racer, former World Cup leader and National Champion Kathryn Curi Mattis. However, he’s also had a few good results himself, like a National Road Race victory in 2008 and a 3rd place at the 2009 Watsonville Criterium behind Ben Jacques-Maynes (Bissell) and me. However, last year, he really stepped it up a notch and won the Masters World Championship Road Race**.
(Photo Credit: The Road Diaries)
I don’t know much about masters racing, so I assume that’s just about as impressive as that time your grandma won $100 from a slot machine in Reno on a family vacation***. However, Mattis’ result did not go unnoticed entirely. The kind folks at Craig Roemer Wines (and by that, I believe I just mean Craig Roemer, Specialized Masters Team member and one of the many people who is twice my age and can still righteously crush me in an ITT) commemorated Mattis’ victory with a special edition Pinot Noir, graced by his lanky countenance on an ultra-commemorative label.
If you can get a hold of one of Roemer’s J.A.W.S. (Jamesmattis Actually Won Something) wines, I’d highly recommend it. If it’s anywhere near as good as his flagship C.R.A.P. (Craig Roemer Artisin Pinot), it’ll be worth every penny.
3. Riding My Bike with Fun People. Now I often try to make it seem like my life is nothing but parties and work and avoiding my bike, but the truth is, I’ve been riding. In fact, I’ve been riding off-road exclusively, regardless of which bike I ride: ‘cross, MTB or road.
For example, I went for a nice three hour “road” ride with the 2012 Mount San Bruno Hillclimb champion Chris Stastny and the world-famous Ryan Parnes (formerly euro-PRO Raleigh Cycling, now Marc Pro – Strava). We went on a local ride known as the “Planet of the Apes,” which traverses an abandoned, eerie, chopped up, semi-dirt, semi-paved, hilly, beautiful road from Pacifica to Montara, high above the ocean.
Parnes selected deep-section carbon wheels for this rough, dirty, hilly training ride. Interesting choice, Ryan.
It should be noted that race wheels failed to keep Ryan from being dropped on every incline, though I’m sure they aided his quest to win the San Francisco City and County line sprint.
My off-road activities were not limited to the road bike, of course. While I was in my hometown of Chico for Christmas, I went for a few genuine mountain bike rides in my old stomping grounds known as Upper Bidwell Park. It’s quite pretty out there, as long as you’re not moving.
As soon as your bike begins to roll, the park becomes brutal, rocky, jarring, technical, and ultimately perfect mountain biking. Riding a hardtail in Chico’s Upper Bidwell Park lies at the Venn Diagram intersection of “Feeling Like You’re Truly Alive,” and “Feeling Like You’re About to Die.” Really, that’s what mountain biking is all about.
Just ask local climbing aficionado, 2010 NCNCA District Road Race Champion, progenitor of the term “mullet ride,” and soon-to-be Captain of the Stevens Women’s Cycling Team, Susannah Breen. I went on a dirt ride with Susannah last week, and I have to say, she’s pretty good for some quotes. Before we had even gotten on our bikes, she had spewed a few gems, including:
“Rand, what wheels are you getting on your Specialized Venge next year? Frankly, you better be putting Zipp 808s on that thing, because 303s are p*&&y climber wheels.”
Noted, Ms. Climber Chick. You would know. And yes, I am getting 808s.
“Hey Rand, you’re not wearing baggy clothes on this MTB ride are you? You better not be, ’cause baggy shorts make you look like a [expletive] nerd.”
Nope. I chose to wear my old Webcor kits, ’cause there’s nothing nerdy about that. Riiiight.
“I like riding with guys because dudes like to talk shit!”
She might look like a nice, mild-mannered girl, but damn — she actually talks like that about half the time. I think I’m going to try and make her a fixture on this site.
Not content to simply talk mad shit for entertainment, Susannah managed to unceremoniously snap her chain while we were still about 2 miles and 1000 vertical feet from the car.
Originally, I assumed this was simply because a district road race champion like Ms. Breen was putting so much raw, unbridled power through the pedals that her chain couldn’t handle the pressure.
However, upon careful review of ride footage, the ruling on the trail was overturned. As was Susannah.
Seems her chain was likely stressed in an earlier finesse-less maneuver. And so, while there was no way I could even keep up with a climber like Suzie B. on the ascents, I insisted on descending behind her for the remainder of the ride such that I might witness any further faceplants. I don’t know about you, but that picture makes me laugh aloud, so I’m sharing that joy with y’all. ‘Tis the season!
In summary, my off-season has been a smashing success until last night, at which point I summarily ruined it by registering for a hill climb. At least I know I’ll continue my trend of getting 2nd place to Cal Giant riders in the upcoming 2012 season thanks to USAC’s “race predictor!”
See you on the road (or trail) soon! If you’re awake, or even better, if you’re still drunk from the evening’s festivities, come heckle at the Hill Climb! Or just heckle me on Facebook!
*I’m already psyching my own teammates out on the internet. I’m gonna get fired like, two months into this season, aren’t I?
**If you feel like your evening is too exciting and you want to take it down a notch, go read Mattis’ actual race report. It’s as exciting as reading through Max Jenkins’ training files in binary code.
***I kid, of course. Rainbow stripes? That’s legitimately impressive.
you can always dns like last year.
and what’s with susannah’s outfit? she has explicitly told me she only wears all black now, so she can be anonymous. but that is clearly a quilted, teal vest.
are you requesting that we come out to San Bruno to heckle and spray you with champagne on New Year’s Day as you crawl your ass up the hill?
Don’t worry about getting fired. When it happens I can put in a good word with your hometown team, Chico Corsa. Specilized won’t care what you say about us on the internet. I’ll bring an extra kit to Cal-Aggie, just in case you get fired by then. I’ll even color some of it pink if that’d make you feel more comfortable.