‘Cross: It’s Over Between Us.

It is with a heavy heart that I realize the end of my ‘cross season has come. Even  had I not already decided that my season would end with last Sunday’s BASP #4, my subconscious had begun the transition from ‘cross back to road. Gone are the dreams of having my bike stolen by my ‘cross racing nemesis — last Friday, I had a dream about bridging monstrous gaps in a downtown, twilight criterium. My mind has moved on.

As if a nerdy blogger like myself knows shit about girls, allow me to make an analogy.

This whole “race ‘cross and then go back to road” thing smacks of some daytime soap opera relationship drama. I feel like I’m playing both sports at the same time: I leave my full-time, long-term, routine sport (Road) for the enticing charisma of the sexy, new, exciting, dangerous, and dirty lover (‘Cross). Then, I hesitate — I wonder whether ‘Cross is good for me in the long run. I leave ‘Cross and head back to the comfortable embrace of Road, even though it’s obvious I’m meant to be with ‘Cross. After all, ‘Cross doesn’t care if I drink beer a little bit too often; ‘Cross doesn’t mind that I’m a little overweight; ‘Cross likes hanging out and talking shit with my guy friends; ‘Cross makes me happy even when I don’t win; ‘Cross is loose and curvy*. But no, I tell myself:  ‘Cross doesn’t offer as much money, and it’s simply not as safe and familiar as Road. I quickly find myself back together with Road**.

Not that I have a weird relationship with bike racing, or anything.

Anyway, with this final ‘cross post, I’ll tie up a few loose ‘cross ends before I make the digital and emotional transition back to road.

I’ll begin with the most important news from last weekend: in my final race of the ‘cross season, I finally beat my nemesis, Derek Yarra (Ibis – BuyCell.com). If you remember, I have four rules for a racing nemesis:

1. Must be beatable (but not without serious dedication)
2. Must be charismatic
3. Must want to beat me
4. Must do stupid shit that I can post on this blog

Clearly, Yarra fulfilled rules 2 – 4 over the course of this ‘cross season, but I didn’t come anywhere near beating him for the majority of the season. I was beginning to be self-conscious about my general suckage. Then, as if the spirit of the Great Reaney was looking after me, I beat Derek Yarra in my final ‘cross race of the season with a literally vomit-inducing attack on the final climb of the final Bay Area Super Prestige race, going on to finish 8th.

The final tally for 2011 is thus: Yarra: ~5, Rand: 1. At least I scored a goal.

I had some help during the race from my midget twin, Eric Wohlberg, who set a great pace until a late-race crash took him out of contention.

(Photo Credit: Devon Trux)

I’m pretty sure this is what a nightmare about killer, Oompa Loompa*** clones looks like, at least as far as the rider in blue, Kirt Fitzpatrick (Squadra Ovest), is concerned. And yes, I’ve had that dream, too.

Sadly, I was still beaten by my nemesis-runner-up Keith “The Killier” Hillier (Marc Pro – Strava) in a fierce two-man sprint for 7th.

(Photo Credit: Devon Trux)

Sure, he crossed the line ahead of me, but we effectively tied, according to the results.

Since Killier was given a callup to the front line, and I had to start near the back of the pack, I’m going to give myself a few extra seconds at the finish. So yeah, I beat Keith, too. #nemesiswatch****.

Andy Jacques-Maynes (Cal Giant) showed up and laid a genuine smack-down on the field to take the win, though I’m a bit confused — not only by his choice to race the BASP over the concurrent, high-profile USGPs up in Bend, OR — but also by his choice of victory salute.

(Photo Credit: Devon Trux)

Though, with a win that convincing, it’s possible he just can’t bring his legs any closer together than that due to the size of … nevermind.

If you recall, Andy merely ignored me a while ago when I asked him if he reads my blog, so thankfully he won’t see this post. I hope.

Now, while Andy Jacques-Maynes was playing tee ball with us locals, his son, 17-year-old Tobin Ortenblad (Cal Giant), was up in Oregon, racing to a third place in Saturday’s Junior 17-18 race.

Now, that’s a good result and all, but what I really want to point out is that his team management pays attention to this bullshit blog. Last time I posted, I mocked The Ortenbladder because of his lack of team-issue apparel.

(Photo Credit: Steven Woo)

Well, according to this article on the team website, he was pretty kitted out by the time he made it to the USGP in Oregon.

(Photo Credit: Lyne Lamoureux)

Tobin, I hope you realize that I expect a kickback of any cool equipment your team gives you as a consequence of this blog and the publicity it brings to your team apparel faux-pas’. Let’s see how well this works: HEY TOBIN, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVEN’T BEEN TRAINING ON YOUR $18,000 SPECIALIZED S-WORKS/McLAREN VENGE LATELY. YOUR TEAM PROBABLY WANTS YOU TO RIDE THAT, RIGHT?

I’ll be waiting for the UPS guy to drop it off at my house, ‘Bladder.

With that, I think I’m about done with the ‘crossblogging for 2011. I’m so over you, ‘Cross. As soon as I’ve moved back in with Road, I’ll get around to writing about the skinny-tired world again. See you guys soon!

*Uh, what? That got awkward really quickly.

**I mean, Road does have bigger chainrings. I’m a sucker for big chainrings.

***Yukie has been heckling me as an Oompa Loompa for some time, so credit for this comparison goes to her.

**** The #nemesiswatch hashtag is courtesy Andrew Cathcart on Twitter (@sfc750).