Monthly Archives: December 2011

What does a guy like me — a guy who trains idiotically and infrequently, who thinks criteriums are “real bike races,” and who drinks beer and eats cheese for a pre-race meal during the racing season — do during the “off-season?”

It’s an interesting question.

In fact, with the introduction of ‘cross to my life last year, the word “off-season” has almost no meaning; I’ve done at least two races per month in 22 of the past 24 months .

That said, if we loosely define the off-season as a time in which I’m not actively racing, then that’s what part of the season I’m in right now. So, here’s what I’ve been up to:

1. Registering for Bike Races. Well, dammit, what the hell is this? Just last night, I registered for the effing Mount San Bruno Hillclimb — held on January 1st — at the behest of my now-teammate Chris “Staz” Stastny (Cal Giant). Staz has made a habit of running the same exact time at this event for the past three years in spite of consistent off-season claims that he’s getting faster.

As we all know, climbing hills sucks girthy downtubes, so I am pretty bummed about my decision to register; however, thanks to the modern wizardry underlying the new USACycling.org website, I don’t even have to show up.

You see, USAC takes the pre-registration list and automatically predicts the outcome of the event based on some technical juju. Lo and behold, I think it’s pretty accurate.

Now, it doesn’t take a complicated algorithm to predict a 2nd place for me in a bike race, particularly in the presence of a Cal Giant rider. I mean, shit, I’ll probably end up getting 2nd place to myself in a solo breakaway this year if historical precedent holds…but I digress.

More notable still is the ludicrous prediction that either Staz or I will beat Chris Phipps (Thirsty Bear), who has been making it clear on Twitter (@CPbike) that his entire season’s preparation is geared around peaking for this event. However, practical details like “Chris Phipps is a climber and Stastny and I are not” aside, I really like the fact that this newfangled “Race Predictor” has put the pressure on my teammate to win, and I hope everyone will loudly and publicly mock Staz should he lose the event*.

But enough of that nonsense. Please pretend I did not just register for a race that only involves a climb on the first of January. Let’s get back to the “off-season” talk, shall we?

2. Being a Cycling Socialite. As many of you know, I do love a good, evening social engagement involving cyclists — especially if they are fast, important, or otherwise name-droppable. These can range from simple, impromptu dudes’ nights with darts…

…to high-class parties with hosted bars and fancy people. The Christmas party depicted below is one of legendary status, thrown by the director of the Cal Giant Cycling Team, Anthony “Guido” Gallino. Guido is shown here, doing what he does best: schmoozing.

Now, according to Guido, I’ve already made some marketing folks at Specialized uncomfortable because I poked fun at young Cal Giant ‘crosser Tobin Ortenbladder in my previous posts. In order to make things right, I’ll try to celebrate the results of some of Cal Giant’s premier riders. You see, this party — always attended by a “who’s who” of top cyclists, industry high-rollers, and a taco truck serving free mexican food — was also attended by one James Mattis (Cal Giant). James Mattis is most famous for marrying a real bike racer, former World Cup leader and National Champion Kathryn Curi Mattis. However, he’s also had a few good results himself, like a National Road Race victory in 2008 and a 3rd place at the 2009 Watsonville Criterium behind Ben Jacques-Maynes (Bissell) and me. However, last year, he really stepped it up a notch and won the Masters World Championship Road Race**.

(Photo Credit: The Road Diaries)

I don’t know much about masters racing, so I assume that’s just about as impressive as that time your grandma won $100 from a slot machine in Reno on a family vacation***. However, Mattis’ result did not go unnoticed entirely. The kind folks at Craig Roemer Wines (and by that, I believe I just mean Craig Roemer, Specialized Masters Team member and one of the many people who is twice my age and can still righteously crush me in an ITT) commemorated Mattis’ victory with a special edition Pinot Noir, graced by his lanky countenance on an ultra-commemorative label.

If you can get a hold of one of Roemer’s J.A.W.S. (Jamesmattis Actually Won Something) wines, I’d highly recommend it. If it’s anywhere near as good as his flagship C.R.A.P. (Craig Roemer Artisin Pinot), it’ll be worth every penny.

3. Riding My Bike with Fun People. Now I often try to make it seem like my life is nothing but parties and work and avoiding my bike, but the truth is, I’ve been riding. In fact, I’ve been riding off-road exclusively, regardless of which bike I ride: ‘cross, MTB or road.

For example, I went for a nice three hour “road” ride with the 2012 Mount San Bruno Hillclimb champion Chris Stastny and the world-famous Ryan Parnes (formerly euro-PRO Raleigh Cycling, now Marc Pro – Strava). We went on a local ride known as the “Planet of the Apes,” which traverses an abandoned, eerie, chopped up, semi-dirt, semi-paved, hilly, beautiful road from Pacifica to Montara, high above the ocean.

Parnes selected deep-section carbon wheels for this rough, dirty, hilly training ride. Interesting choice, Ryan.

It should be noted that race wheels failed to keep Ryan from being dropped on every incline, though I’m sure they aided his quest to win the San Francisco City and County line sprint.

My off-road activities were not limited to the road bike, of course. While I was in my hometown of Chico for Christmas, I went for a few genuine mountain bike rides in my old stomping grounds known as Upper Bidwell Park. It’s quite pretty out there, as long as you’re not moving.

As soon as your bike begins to roll, the park becomes brutal, rocky, jarring, technical, and ultimately perfect mountain biking. Riding a hardtail in Chico’s Upper Bidwell Park lies at the Venn Diagram intersection of “Feeling Like You’re Truly Alive,” and “Feeling Like You’re About to Die.” Really, that’s what mountain biking is all about.

Just ask local climbing aficionado, 2010 NCNCA District Road Race Champion, progenitor of the term “mullet ride,” and soon-to-be Captain of the Stevens Women’s Cycling Team, Susannah Breen. I went on a dirt ride with Susannah last week, and I have to say, she’s pretty good for some quotes. Before we had even gotten on our bikes, she had spewed a few gems, including:

“Rand, what wheels are you getting on your Specialized Venge next year? Frankly, you better be putting Zipp 808s on that thing, because 303s are p*&&y climber wheels.”

Noted, Ms. Climber Chick. You would know. And yes, I am getting 808s.

“Hey Rand, you’re not wearing baggy clothes on this MTB ride are you? You better not be, ’cause baggy shorts make you look like a [expletive] nerd.”

Nope. I chose to wear my old Webcor kits, ’cause there’s nothing nerdy about that. Riiiight.

“I like riding with guys because dudes like to talk shit!”

She might look like a nice, mild-mannered girl, but damn — she actually talks like that about half the time. I think I’m going to try and make her a fixture on this site.

Not content to simply talk mad shit for entertainment, Susannah managed to unceremoniously snap her chain while we were still about 2 miles and 1000 vertical feet from the car.

Originally, I assumed this was simply because a district road race champion like Ms. Breen was putting so much raw, unbridled power through the pedals that her chain couldn’t handle the pressure.

However, upon careful review of ride footage, the ruling on the trail was overturned. As was Susannah.

Seems her chain was likely stressed in an earlier finesse-less maneuver. And so, while there was no way I could even keep up with a climber like Suzie B. on the ascents, I insisted on descending behind her for the remainder of the ride such that I might witness any further faceplants. I don’t know about you, but that picture makes me laugh aloud, so I’m sharing that joy with y’all. ‘Tis the season!

In summary, my off-season has been a smashing success until last night, at which point I summarily ruined it by registering for a hill climb. At least I know I’ll continue my trend of getting 2nd place to Cal Giant riders in the upcoming 2012 season thanks to USAC’s “race predictor!”

See you on the road (or trail) soon! If you’re awake, or even better, if you’re still drunk from the evening’s festivities, come heckle at the Hill Climb! Or just heckle me on Facebook!

*I’m already psyching my own teammates out on the internet. I’m gonna get fired like, two months into this season, aren’t I?

**If you feel like your evening is too exciting and you want to take it down a notch, go read Mattis’ actual race report. It’s as exciting as reading through Max Jenkins’ training files in binary code.

***I kid, of course. Rainbow stripes? That’s legitimately impressive.

For anyone who reads this blog and understands why it’s here, this photograph needs no explanation. True happiness oughtn’t need explanation, of course.

Merry Christmas everyone! Here’s to hoping your holidays are filled with great friends, great family, great riding, and that no corners are cut in the beer department.

See you soon!
-Rand

It is with a heavy heart that I realize the end of my ‘cross season has come. Even  had I not already decided that my season would end with last Sunday’s BASP #4, my subconscious had begun the transition from ‘cross back to road. Gone are the dreams of having my bike stolen by my ‘cross racing nemesis — last Friday, I had a dream about bridging monstrous gaps in a downtown, twilight criterium. My mind has moved on.

As if a nerdy blogger like myself knows shit about girls, allow me to make an analogy.

This whole “race ‘cross and then go back to road” thing smacks of some daytime soap opera relationship drama. I feel like I’m playing both sports at the same time: I leave my full-time, long-term, routine sport (Road) for the enticing charisma of the sexy, new, exciting, dangerous, and dirty lover (‘Cross). Then, I hesitate — I wonder whether ‘Cross is good for me in the long run. I leave ‘Cross and head back to the comfortable embrace of Road, even though it’s obvious I’m meant to be with ‘Cross. After all, ‘Cross doesn’t care if I drink beer a little bit too often; ‘Cross doesn’t mind that I’m a little overweight; ‘Cross likes hanging out and talking shit with my guy friends; ‘Cross makes me happy even when I don’t win; ‘Cross is loose and curvy*. But no, I tell myself:  ‘Cross doesn’t offer as much money, and it’s simply not as safe and familiar as Road. I quickly find myself back together with Road**.

Not that I have a weird relationship with bike racing, or anything.

Anyway, with this final ‘cross post, I’ll tie up a few loose ‘cross ends before I make the digital and emotional transition back to road.

I’ll begin with the most important news from last weekend: in my final race of the ‘cross season, I finally beat my nemesis, Derek Yarra (Ibis – BuyCell.com). If you remember, I have four rules for a racing nemesis:

1. Must be beatable (but not without serious dedication)
2. Must be charismatic
3. Must want to beat me
4. Must do stupid shit that I can post on this blog

Clearly, Yarra fulfilled rules 2 – 4 over the course of this ‘cross season, but I didn’t come anywhere near beating him for the majority of the season. I was beginning to be self-conscious about my general suckage. Then, as if the spirit of the Great Reaney was looking after me, I beat Derek Yarra in my final ‘cross race of the season with a literally vomit-inducing attack on the final climb of the final Bay Area Super Prestige race, going on to finish 8th.

The final tally for 2011 is thus: Yarra: ~5, Rand: 1. At least I scored a goal.

I had some help during the race from my midget twin, Eric Wohlberg, who set a great pace until a late-race crash took him out of contention.

(Photo Credit: Devon Trux)

I’m pretty sure this is what a nightmare about killer, Oompa Loompa*** clones looks like, at least as far as the rider in blue, Kirt Fitzpatrick (Squadra Ovest), is concerned. And yes, I’ve had that dream, too.

Sadly, I was still beaten by my nemesis-runner-up Keith “The Killier” Hillier (Marc Pro – Strava) in a fierce two-man sprint for 7th.

(Photo Credit: Devon Trux)

Sure, he crossed the line ahead of me, but we effectively tied, according to the results.

Since Killier was given a callup to the front line, and I had to start near the back of the pack, I’m going to give myself a few extra seconds at the finish. So yeah, I beat Keith, too. #nemesiswatch****.

Andy Jacques-Maynes (Cal Giant) showed up and laid a genuine smack-down on the field to take the win, though I’m a bit confused — not only by his choice to race the BASP over the concurrent, high-profile USGPs up in Bend, OR — but also by his choice of victory salute.

(Photo Credit: Devon Trux)

Though, with a win that convincing, it’s possible he just can’t bring his legs any closer together than that due to the size of … nevermind.

If you recall, Andy merely ignored me a while ago when I asked him if he reads my blog, so thankfully he won’t see this post. I hope.

Now, while Andy Jacques-Maynes was playing tee ball with us locals, his son, 17-year-old Tobin Ortenblad (Cal Giant), was up in Oregon, racing to a third place in Saturday’s Junior 17-18 race.

Now, that’s a good result and all, but what I really want to point out is that his team management pays attention to this bullshit blog. Last time I posted, I mocked The Ortenbladder because of his lack of team-issue apparel.

(Photo Credit: Steven Woo)

Well, according to this article on the team website, he was pretty kitted out by the time he made it to the USGP in Oregon.

(Photo Credit: Lyne Lamoureux)

Tobin, I hope you realize that I expect a kickback of any cool equipment your team gives you as a consequence of this blog and the publicity it brings to your team apparel faux-pas’. Let’s see how well this works: HEY TOBIN, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVEN’T BEEN TRAINING ON YOUR $18,000 SPECIALIZED S-WORKS/McLAREN VENGE LATELY. YOUR TEAM PROBABLY WANTS YOU TO RIDE THAT, RIGHT?

I’ll be waiting for the UPS guy to drop it off at my house, ‘Bladder.

With that, I think I’m about done with the ‘crossblogging for 2011. I’m so over you, ‘Cross. As soon as I’ve moved back in with Road, I’ll get around to writing about the skinny-tired world again. See you guys soon!

*Uh, what? That got awkward really quickly.

**I mean, Road does have bigger chainrings. I’m a sucker for big chainrings.

***Yukie has been heckling me as an Oompa Loompa for some time, so credit for this comparison goes to her.

**** The #nemesiswatch hashtag is courtesy Andrew Cathcart on Twitter (@sfc750).

Last time I posted, I officially named Derek Yarra (Ibis – Buy-Cell.com) as my ‘cross nemesis and disclosed my 2012 road cycling team, Cal Giant. It’s been a bit, so I’ll begin with a strikingly strange story to get the creative juices flowing again.

It was the night before the Golden Gate Park BASP #3 ‘cross race. I settled down to bed, a bit later than I had hoped, having spent most of the day traveling home to San Francsico after a short but tortuous journey to rural Illinois to spend Thanksgiving with my extended family. I drifted quickly to sleep, my eyes thankful for the much-needed rest I required in order to be competitive in the following day’s ‘cross race…

The dream begins uninterestingly. I’m inside a building on a nondescript block of downtown SF. I’m chatting with a few people, also uninteresting. That’s when I became cognizant of the fact that someone has stolen my ‘cross bike; I don’t know how I found out, but you know the way dreams are, where things happen and morph and it all makes sense at the time. Regardless, I walk outside to my car, as if I was somehow going to remedy the theft, but as I reach down to unlock the door, I’m approached by a man carrying a pair of bicycle wheels (locked together with a U-lock) and a ‘cross frame (locked to the man’s wrist with a pair of handcuffs). I quickly ascertain that it is, in fact, my ‘cross bike in his possession. The man steps out of the shadows and, to my dismay, it’s none other than Derek Yarra. He demands $950 for the bicycle, which I angrily refuse. He shrugs, turns around and says over his shoulder, “I guess I win, then, don’t I?” with a smirk.

I awoke with a start.

Seriously, that is a true story. The night before a ‘cross race, I had a dream that my ‘Cross Nemesis, Derek Yarra, stole my ‘cross bike, locked it to his own arm, demanded money for it, and then ended the dream abruptly with an action-movie-esque one-liner. Talk about a worthy opponent: not content to heckle/beat me in the real world, he took the battle to the ephemeral world of dreams*.

Suffice to say, his nemesis tactics worked like a charm.

Presumably as a consequence of the fitful sleep that followed my dream, I only completed 1.5 of 8 laps the following day, while Derek rode to a 15th place finish. However, he was seen dismounting (by me, in street clothes, long before the Elite Men’s race was over, because I suck) over some barriers, a distinct departure from his “I bunnyhop your mom” attitude.

Perhaps it was the weight of the extra ‘cross bike locked to his conscience.

Anyway, the record stands. ‘Cross Nemesis Yarra: ~5, Rand: 0. I’m not very good at this “nemesis” thing, am I?

The nice thing about my Odyssean** failures in bike races is that it makes it so much more apparent that I should be talking less about myself and more about others. As if that needed to be said.

Now, I could write at length about how badass the HRS-Rocklobster duo of Aaron Bradford and Scott Chapin are — after all, they are utter badasses — but everyone already knows that. It’s only so much fun to write about notable, immaculately landscaped facial hair and perfect ‘cross technique.

(Photo Credit: Ted Ketai)

I mean, those guys are so flawless, they went 1-2 in the first two BASPs without sweating. Or breathing. Or gravity, apparently. There’s just nothing to make fun of with those two. Instead, I should be talking about riders like Tobin Ortenblad (Cal Giant ‘Cross Team).

(Photo Credit: Steven Woo)

I met officially met Tobin right before the start of the GGP race, though I’ve known who he was since he trounced me at the BASP opener at Candlestick Park a month ago. Tobin has four notable features:

1. He kicks some serious ‘cross race ass, which is hard to do.
2. His name is weirder than mine, which is hard to do.
3. He’s like 16.5 years old.
4. He spraypaints his own sunglasses bright orange because he likes that “custom look,” but isn’t respected enough for his low-life ‘cross team (Cal Giant) to give him any.

Anyway, at this pseudo-high-profile race in Golden Gate Park, the young Tobin Ortenblad managed to sneak himself between the, older, more experienced Rock Lobsters, earning a solid 2nd place sandwiched between Bradford (1st) and Chapin (3rd).

(Photo Credit: Ana Villafane Photography)

The best thing about Tobin is that he only recently received his Cat 2 license on the road so, while he might “old-school haxor-style” pwn me at ‘cross races, I will soon get to show him what real bike races (also known as crits) are all about. [Ed. note: it should be pointed out that Derek Yarra is a lowly Cat 4 with nary a single upgrade point. Yer doin' it wrong.]

Now, take a closer look at the podium photograph I showed you earlier.

(Photo Credit: Ana Villafane Photography)

Krishna Dole (Sheila Moon) placed a stellar fourth, which is pretty much exactly where I’d have expected him to finish. However, do you see that guy on the far right? Who is that? Seriously. How many people know who that guy who finished in 5th place is?

That guy is the worlds least-appreciated fast ‘cross racer: Mitch Trux (City Cycles, and author of the also-underappreciated VeloCouch blog).

Mitch is to cycling what the Green Flash West Coast IPA is to beers: connoisseurs know he’s one of the most awesome, rugged, hardcore racers there is, but few laymen have ever heard of him.

Mitch has already won a few local ‘cross races and finished reasonably well at the Sierra Point BASP #2, but his 5th place in Golden Gate Park put him ahead of some serious ‘cross talent; I’ll say it now, I think Mitch is going to be “a thing” in the ‘cross world next season. Provided, of course, he loses those ridiculous sunglasses and has Tobin spraypaint a set of bright pink Radars for him or something.

Alright, with that, I’m out of here. There’s beer to drink and science to do, in no particular order. Next time I post, I’ll probably talk about last weekend’s Cal Giant Cycling Team mini-camp, which has been documented by the inimitable Lyne Lamoureux (Podium Insight), but in a slightly less formal fashion.

(Photo: Lyne Lamoureux)

As a blogger with a bent for the ludicrous and almost no shame whatsoever, I am in a unique position to discuss the inner workings of the seemingly serious Cal Giant organization, and I relish the possibilities.

Oh, and by the way, this weekend’s BASP finale — held on a great course on Coyote Point — marks the final event in the 2011 Rand Miller v. Derek Yarra deathmatch. Come heckle us both into oblivion!

*Incidentally, this is the same world in which I’m actually a fast bike racer and not a crit fatty, so maybe that’s why he was so aggressive.

**The word “epic” may be overplayed, but references to Greek literature are not. Yet.