I Am The Dread Pirate Reaney

Picture this scenario: it’s a crisp, cold, still Fall morning and you’re on a group ride with the usual crowd of roadie-racer types. As the group hits the base of the first sustained climb, those who take climbing seriously — or even hard riding in general — appear at the front and start prancing around on the pedals like crack-fed gazelles. Conversely, you find yourself drifting towards the rear like a wounded wildebeest, surrounded by others like you: those nursing holiday party hangovers from the night before, those with adult onset ice cream addiction, the self-proclaimed “sprinters,” etc. You all laugh and joke with each other through pained breaths, trying to have a good time and minimize the misery. Someone near you asks, “Hey, I thought you were fast. What are you doing back here?” to which you respond, “This is a Mullet Ride, dude: business at the front and party in the back.”

Last night, I was made aware of the term “Mullet Ride” by local standout racer Susannah Breen (ex-Fremont Bank, now-Captain of the Stevens Cycling Team), a talented climber who pretends like she doesn’t take the sport seriously. Susannah coined this apt term and I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first, what with my mullet infatuation and all. Anyway, from now on, whenever a group ride starts getting hectic as described above, please declare “Mullet Ride!” and come party with Susannah and I at the back.

OK, on with the post. The first order of business is to crown Derek Yarra (Ibis) as my Official ‘Cross Nemesis. Not only is he my personal favorite for the position, but he also appears to be the readers’ choice as well.

Even before he was selected, Yarra took it upon himself to start the rivalry off with some rapidfire Twitter smack talk, spawning a #cxtrashtalk hashtag.

I have a feeling this will be a very heated battle of atheticism and personality, and I’ll be updating you all as it progresses — particularly when I beat him. Stay tuned.

Next, I’d like to finally announce my 2012 road cycling team after an extended delay.

(Predicted Imagery: Tim Westmore)

Yes, that’s correct. As some of you have already guessed, I am racing for the California Giant Cycling Team next year, a primarily-U23 team full of talented, young, NRC-level stage racers. Cue stifled laughs, gasps of disbelief, and accusations of bribery. How in the hell does a washed up, 26-year-old criterium specialist make it onto that roster? Every morning, I wake up and find it just as unbelievable as you: I’m now a part of the most successful, most talented, most well-run, and most well-supported amateur team in the nation.

Well, at least I think I am.

Let’s back up a bit. I’ve spent the past five years of my cycling career being mocked, scorned, toyed with, and ultimately beaten by the Cal Giant team. For years, I’ve been the punching bag used by this heavyweight squad as they fine tune their NRC legs at local races. I should be used to the abuse by now.

Several weeks ago, I signed a piece of paper known as a “contract,” legally binding me to the Cal Giant team, which is far more official than anything else I’ve done in this sport to date. The other new riders on the team did the same.

A few days later, an anxiously-awaited press release was issued by the Cal Giant team, disclosing the names of the new additions to the team.

As many of you who have already seen the press release know, I was nowhere to be seen on this list. At first, I thought it was just a dirty trick being played by the Cal Giant team; yet again, they were toying with me as they have been for half a decade. But, no, I had signed a contract. I was on the team.

Then it occurred to me: Steve Reaney is the Dread Pirate Roberts of the cycling world, ready to retire from his successful career, and I am his Westley*.

Steve Reaney, a feared and revered crit pirate who smites his opponents with a few swift pedal strokes, has been beating me from two-man breakaways for years now. We’re about as similar as you can imagine: we prefer technical crits, we prefer breaks, we’re both crotchety chemists, and we both race extremely aggressively. I’ve known for some time that Reaney intended to retire at the end of the 2011 season, but he hadn’t told very many people. After my name was omitted from the press release it became clear: I don’t think Cal Giant signed “Rand Miller” to their squad at all. Instead, they’re going to force me to gain about 75 pounds, build some muscle, and change my name to Steve Reaney. I am the new Dread Pirate Reaney, albeit an admittedly slower version. With great power comes great responsibility, so I had better get to training.

Or perhaps there’s an alternative explanation: the team’s management is just embarrassed by the grave mistake they made in signing me, and don’t want anyone to know that I’m on the team.

Either way, I am one of the Cal Giant criterium guys even if there’s no online evidence, and I will have a battery of 20ish-year-old minions to work with. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I now have crit minions, and they’re all ridiculously talented. This is gonna be a kickass road season**.

But there’s still the rest of the ‘cross season to get through, and lots of bloggery as a consequence, so I’ll see you dirt-crazies next weekend in Golden Gate Park! Yarra, I’m going to be there to capitalize when you botch a barrier bunny hop.

*If you don’t get this reference, you have no soul because you have not seen “The Princess Bride.” Here’s an explanation, you heathen.

**In all seriousness, thanks to Webcor/Alto Velo for supporting me for the past four seasons, and thanks to Cal Giant for selecting me for the 2012 squad. Moving to the Cal Giant team is a huge step up for me, and I’m stoked for the opportunity.