“Do You Know What Nemesis Means?”

I’m constantly in need of a nemesis*.

Not content to simply compete against all comers, I have a history of turning bike racing into a grudge match; often it reduces a field of 100 to a field of two before the race has even begun. Many of you have watched over the years as my most recent nemesis, Steve “The Naked Mole Rat” Reaney, bested me in nearly every encounter, the majority being two-man breakaways. Looking back, perhaps he was less my nemesis than I was his plaything. Nevertheless, I prefer the word “nemesis.”

(Photo Credit: Steven Woo)

The key to a good nemesis is to find someone who is beatable — though not without significant dedication to the art — someone who is charismatic, someone who strongly wants to beat you as well, and someone who does things to encourage humorous blog posts.

I think the final point is most important; after all, since Reaney’s untimely retirement toward the end of August of last year, I can’t help but notice that my blogging has suffered immensely.

However, ‘cross season is well underway, and I’ve already received a few applications for the position of ‘Cross Nemesis.

Previously, I threw the proverbial, white, full-fingered glove at the feet of Keith Hillier (Marc Pro – Strava), stating that I would even consider training in order to beat him in a ‘cross race.

Since that time, Hillier has blogged about his desire to avoid such an upset, and has also made his feelings for the sport of ‘cross known.

I think my expression below makes my feelings about Keith and his ‘cross abilities known as well.

(Photo Credit: Dale Tapley)

Now, I would say that Hillier is perhaps beatable and also does enough stupid stuff in his own right, like wearing his helmet and gloves on the podium — therefore, he presents himself as a strong candidate for my nemesis position. However, thus far I’ve only managed to embarrass myself in his presence: each and every ‘cross race I’ve entered, I have crashed directly in front of Keith after getting a great start. Every time, as I flail around on the ground like a recently upended, skinsuited roly-poly, I see the brilliant neon green flash of Hillier as he passes, shaking his head, kindly avoiding my head with his front wheel, and softly uttering “Seriously? Not again, Rand” as if he’s not even breathing. A nemesis oughtn’t be embarrassed by his foe, so perhaps he’s overqualified for the job.

Next, we have Rainier Schaefer (MASH SF), who is certainly beatable (I’ve already beaten him), certainly mockable (he wears cargo shorts on podium), and charismatic (he’s one of the few ‘crossers ever to heckle me while we were both racing, in a female voice no less). He even heckles me on Flickr.

(Photo Credit: Tim Westmore)

However, most importantly, he’s kind of like the Starla Teddergreen of the men’s cycling scene: he’s cool, he’s got tattoos, the hipsters think he’s legit, and he’s fast. In other words, having him as my nemesis practically guarantees entry into the upper echelons of the alleycat racing scene (not to mention it might get me quick service at hip Mission District establishments like Benders Bar or Gestalt). He also beat me at last Saturday night’s Sierra Point ‘cross race on a single speed. In the “geared bike” race. What a stud. What a perfect nemesis.

Finally, we have Ibis Cycles’ Derek Yarra, renowned for bunnyhopping anything and everything in his path, even if it’s probably faster to dismount; rumor has it he was bunnyhopping the Barrier of Unusual Size at the Stafford Lake CX a few weeks ago.

(Photo adapted from Veronika Lenzi)

Now, Yarra presents a strong case for nemesishood for several reasons. First and foremost, he has a pirate name. Secondly, he has a blog of his own, so our nemesision is not limited to the ‘cross course but can also take place online. Third, he’s potentially beatable so long as the barriers are taller than he can bunnyhop (unfortunately, this means they’ll be taller than me). Fourth, he’s very vocal about his intentions.

Finally and most importantly, he does some seriously mockable stuff. Just before last weekend’s Sierra Point Night Race, the second race of the venerable BASP series, Derek pulled off his thermal vest to reveal the worst skinsuit faux-pas I’ve seen since Cavendish’s 3/4-length British World Championships kit.

Anyway, here’s the offending skinsuitage.

Look, guys: if your skinsuit won’t zip over your midsection, just admit you’re not the Kate Moss you once were and buy the next size up. There’s no shame in admitting you’re getting older and thicker. Hell, just tell the clothing rep. for your team that you’ve been hitting the gym if that makes you feel better. But come on, Derek, not only are you trying to squeeze into your little sister’s skinsuit, but you pulled a Category 4 number pinning job on your zipper before the most high-profile ‘cross race in the district.

Now it’s time for the readers to weigh in, because I can’t make a decision like this lightly and I can’t make it unilaterally. Who should I announce as my ‘Cross Nemesis for the remainder of the season?

Keep in mind that a declaration of nemesisdom almost guarantees that I’ll finish second to this person about eight times, which indirectly guarantees said athlete about eight victories. So really, it’s all up to you, readers. Don’t blow it.

Next time we speak, I’ll not only have selected a ‘Cross Nemesis (with careful consideration of your advice), but I’ll also probably have spent enough time scouring the new “NorCal Heckling Rulebook” and will be in a position to discuss its merits and its flaws (the biggest of which I can already tell you: it was written by “Hellyer” over at NorCalCyclingNews, who is one of the most vicious hecklers I’ve met and is, in fact, the first person to ever have sprayed beer at me in a ‘cross race).

Until then, I bid you farewell and pray that you’re enjoying a fine recovery beverage like I am right now.

*Nontrivial amounts of Awesome Points go to he or she who can immediately identify the source of the title quote.