Monthly Archives: November 2011

Picture this scenario: it’s a crisp, cold, still Fall morning and you’re on a group ride with the usual crowd of roadie-racer types. As the group hits the base of the first sustained climb, those who take climbing seriously — or even hard riding in general — appear at the front and start prancing around on the pedals like crack-fed gazelles. Conversely, you find yourself drifting towards the rear like a wounded wildebeest, surrounded by others like you: those nursing holiday party hangovers from the night before, those with adult onset ice cream addiction, the self-proclaimed “sprinters,” etc. You all laugh and joke with each other through pained breaths, trying to have a good time and minimize the misery. Someone near you asks, “Hey, I thought you were fast. What are you doing back here?” to which you respond, “This is a Mullet Ride, dude: business at the front and party in the back.”

Last night, I was made aware of the term “Mullet Ride” by local standout racer Susannah Breen (ex-Fremont Bank, now-Captain of the Stevens Cycling Team), a talented climber who pretends like she doesn’t take the sport seriously. Susannah coined this apt term and I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first, what with my mullet infatuation and all. Anyway, from now on, whenever a group ride starts getting hectic as described above, please declare “Mullet Ride!” and come party with Susannah and I at the back.

OK, on with the post. The first order of business is to crown Derek Yarra (Ibis) as my Official ‘Cross Nemesis. Not only is he my personal favorite for the position, but he also appears to be the readers’ choice as well.

Even before he was selected, Yarra took it upon himself to start the rivalry off with some rapidfire Twitter smack talk, spawning a #cxtrashtalk hashtag.

I have a feeling this will be a very heated battle of atheticism and personality, and I’ll be updating you all as it progresses — particularly when I beat him. Stay tuned.

Next, I’d like to finally announce my 2012 road cycling team after an extended delay.

(Predicted Imagery: Tim Westmore)

Yes, that’s correct. As some of you have already guessed, I am racing for the California Giant Cycling Team next year, a primarily-U23 team full of talented, young, NRC-level stage racers. Cue stifled laughs, gasps of disbelief, and accusations of bribery. How in the hell does a washed up, 26-year-old criterium specialist make it onto that roster? Every morning, I wake up and find it just as unbelievable as you: I’m now a part of the most successful, most talented, most well-run, and most well-supported amateur team in the nation.

Well, at least I think I am.

Let’s back up a bit. I’ve spent the past five years of my cycling career being mocked, scorned, toyed with, and ultimately beaten by the Cal Giant team. For years, I’ve been the punching bag used by this heavyweight squad as they fine tune their NRC legs at local races. I should be used to the abuse by now.

Several weeks ago, I signed a piece of paper known as a “contract,” legally binding me to the Cal Giant team, which is far more official than anything else I’ve done in this sport to date. The other new riders on the team did the same.

A few days later, an anxiously-awaited press release was issued by the Cal Giant team, disclosing the names of the new additions to the team.

As many of you who have already seen the press release know, I was nowhere to be seen on this list. At first, I thought it was just a dirty trick being played by the Cal Giant team; yet again, they were toying with me as they have been for half a decade. But, no, I had signed a contract. I was on the team.

Then it occurred to me: Steve Reaney is the Dread Pirate Roberts of the cycling world, ready to retire from his successful career, and I am his Westley*.

Steve Reaney, a feared and revered crit pirate who smites his opponents with a few swift pedal strokes, has been beating me from two-man breakaways for years now. We’re about as similar as you can imagine: we prefer technical crits, we prefer breaks, we’re both crotchety chemists, and we both race extremely aggressively. I’ve known for some time that Reaney intended to retire at the end of the 2011 season, but he hadn’t told very many people. After my name was omitted from the press release it became clear: I don’t think Cal Giant signed “Rand Miller” to their squad at all. Instead, they’re going to force me to gain about 75 pounds, build some muscle, and change my name to Steve Reaney. I am the new Dread Pirate Reaney, albeit an admittedly slower version. With great power comes great responsibility, so I had better get to training.

Or perhaps there’s an alternative explanation: the team’s management is just embarrassed by the grave mistake they made in signing me, and don’t want anyone to know that I’m on the team.

Either way, I am one of the Cal Giant criterium guys even if there’s no online evidence, and I will have a battery of 20ish-year-old minions to work with. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I now have crit minions, and they’re all ridiculously talented. This is gonna be a kickass road season**.

But there’s still the rest of the ‘cross season to get through, and lots of bloggery as a consequence, so I’ll see you dirt-crazies next weekend in Golden Gate Park! Yarra, I’m going to be there to capitalize when you botch a barrier bunny hop.

*If you don’t get this reference, you have no soul because you have not seen “The Princess Bride.” Here’s an explanation, you heathen.

**In all seriousness, thanks to Webcor/Alto Velo for supporting me for the past four seasons, and thanks to Cal Giant for selecting me for the 2012 squad. Moving to the Cal Giant team is a huge step up for me, and I’m stoked for the opportunity.

I’m constantly in need of a nemesis*.

Not content to simply compete against all comers, I have a history of turning bike racing into a grudge match; often it reduces a field of 100 to a field of two before the race has even begun. Many of you have watched over the years as my most recent nemesis, Steve “The Naked Mole Rat” Reaney, bested me in nearly every encounter, the majority being two-man breakaways. Looking back, perhaps he was less my nemesis than I was his plaything. Nevertheless, I prefer the word “nemesis.”

(Photo Credit: Steven Woo)

The key to a good nemesis is to find someone who is beatable — though not without significant dedication to the art — someone who is charismatic, someone who strongly wants to beat you as well, and someone who does things to encourage humorous blog posts.

I think the final point is most important; after all, since Reaney’s untimely retirement toward the end of August of last year, I can’t help but notice that my blogging has suffered immensely.

However, ‘cross season is well underway, and I’ve already received a few applications for the position of ‘Cross Nemesis.

Previously, I threw the proverbial, white, full-fingered glove at the feet of Keith Hillier (Marc Pro – Strava), stating that I would even consider training in order to beat him in a ‘cross race.

Since that time, Hillier has blogged about his desire to avoid such an upset, and has also made his feelings for the sport of ‘cross known.

I think my expression below makes my feelings about Keith and his ‘cross abilities known as well.

(Photo Credit: Dale Tapley)

Now, I would say that Hillier is perhaps beatable and also does enough stupid stuff in his own right, like wearing his helmet and gloves on the podium — therefore, he presents himself as a strong candidate for my nemesis position. However, thus far I’ve only managed to embarrass myself in his presence: each and every ‘cross race I’ve entered, I have crashed directly in front of Keith after getting a great start. Every time, as I flail around on the ground like a recently upended, skinsuited roly-poly, I see the brilliant neon green flash of Hillier as he passes, shaking his head, kindly avoiding my head with his front wheel, and softly uttering “Seriously? Not again, Rand” as if he’s not even breathing. A nemesis oughtn’t be embarrassed by his foe, so perhaps he’s overqualified for the job.

Next, we have Rainier Schaefer (MASH SF), who is certainly beatable (I’ve already beaten him), certainly mockable (he wears cargo shorts on podium), and charismatic (he’s one of the few ‘crossers ever to heckle me while we were both racing, in a female voice no less). He even heckles me on Flickr.

(Photo Credit: Tim Westmore)

However, most importantly, he’s kind of like the Starla Teddergreen of the men’s cycling scene: he’s cool, he’s got tattoos, the hipsters think he’s legit, and he’s fast. In other words, having him as my nemesis practically guarantees entry into the upper echelons of the alleycat racing scene (not to mention it might get me quick service at hip Mission District establishments like Benders Bar or Gestalt). He also beat me at last Saturday night’s Sierra Point ‘cross race on a single speed. In the “geared bike” race. What a stud. What a perfect nemesis.

Finally, we have Ibis Cycles’ Derek Yarra, renowned for bunnyhopping anything and everything in his path, even if it’s probably faster to dismount; rumor has it he was bunnyhopping the Barrier of Unusual Size at the Stafford Lake CX a few weeks ago.

(Photo adapted from Veronika Lenzi)

Now, Yarra presents a strong case for nemesishood for several reasons. First and foremost, he has a pirate name. Secondly, he has a blog of his own, so our nemesision is not limited to the ‘cross course but can also take place online. Third, he’s potentially beatable so long as the barriers are taller than he can bunnyhop (unfortunately, this means they’ll be taller than me). Fourth, he’s very vocal about his intentions.

Finally and most importantly, he does some seriously mockable stuff. Just before last weekend’s Sierra Point Night Race, the second race of the venerable BASP series, Derek pulled off his thermal vest to reveal the worst skinsuit faux-pas I’ve seen since Cavendish’s 3/4-length British World Championships kit.

Anyway, here’s the offending skinsuitage.

Look, guys: if your skinsuit won’t zip over your midsection, just admit you’re not the Kate Moss you once were and buy the next size up. There’s no shame in admitting you’re getting older and thicker. Hell, just tell the clothing rep. for your team that you’ve been hitting the gym if that makes you feel better. But come on, Derek, not only are you trying to squeeze into your little sister’s skinsuit, but you pulled a Category 4 number pinning job on your zipper before the most high-profile ‘cross race in the district.

Now it’s time for the readers to weigh in, because I can’t make a decision like this lightly and I can’t make it unilaterally. Who should I announce as my ‘Cross Nemesis for the remainder of the season?

Keep in mind that a declaration of nemesisdom almost guarantees that I’ll finish second to this person about eight times, which indirectly guarantees said athlete about eight victories. So really, it’s all up to you, readers. Don’t blow it.

Next time we speak, I’ll not only have selected a ‘Cross Nemesis (with careful consideration of your advice), but I’ll also probably have spent enough time scouring the new “NorCal Heckling Rulebook” and will be in a position to discuss its merits and its flaws (the biggest of which I can already tell you: it was written by “Hellyer” over at NorCalCyclingNews, who is one of the most vicious hecklers I’ve met and is, in fact, the first person to ever have sprayed beer at me in a ‘cross race).

Until then, I bid you farewell and pray that you’re enjoying a fine recovery beverage like I am right now.

*Nontrivial amounts of Awesome Points go to he or she who can immediately identify the source of the title quote.

I think it’s high time I started writing about what’s been going on this off-season. Unlike real off-season bloggers like Slonie, my typing fingers seem to be taking as much time off as my legs.

So what have I been up to?

First of all, I’ve been taking my Custom Clean Bottles* on tour and doing photoshoots that would make Bob Ross giddy. Well, giddier than usual, perhaps.

Secondly, those of you who live in the San Francisco area are aware that, at least until today, the weather has been undeniably superb. So great, in fact, that I’ve been spinning about town with my sleeves rolled all the way up to “triathlon chic” levels.

I post that picture not simply to highlight my gollumness or to prove that it’s been really warm, but also to mention that this is probably the last photograph of me in a Webcor kit that will ever be taken.

I’ll let the gravity of that statement sink in gradually. In the meantime, I’ll explain what I mean by “this is probably the last photograph of me in a Webcor kit.”

1. Cyclocross:

For the remainder of the “off-season,” I’ll be exclusively found sporting the ultra-badass, black and red kit of my CX team, Sterling Sports.

There are two things I’d like to say about the photograph above. First, that’s a picture of me and a man by the name of Eric Wohlberg; if you’re a heathen and don’t know who that is, I’ll elaborate. Eric Wohlberg has been racing bikes since before I was born. In college, I distinctly remember updating my AIM profile with statistics about this Canadian cycling legend. I used to have a poster of him in his Saturn Cycling Team kit on my wall in high school. In other words, he was my hero. Now he is my teammate, and he puts his arm awkwardly far around my shoulder! My life is complete.

The second thing I’d like to say about the photograph is that, when the heads are switched, the photograph is more or less indistinguishable.

This must be the reason why, during both ‘cross races I’ve done so far this year, I get just as many “Go Eric!” cheers as I do “Rand, you suck!” heckles. I can only hope Eric is getting exactly the same confusing spectator response. While flattering for me, I imagine it’s infuriating to my teammate.

Now, It was pointed out in a recent comment by local cyclocross specialist Krishna Dole that cyclocross fits my cycling personality perfectly.

Already, I’ve found this to be true. Take, for example, a simple comparison between two photographs readily available on Flickr, each of which was rather well-publicized shortly after it was posted.

First, the photograph of me winning the NCNCA Criterium Championship.

(Photo Credit: Etienne Fontan)

This photograph, depicting the single-most successful day of my cycling career, has 708 views today, well over a month after it was posted. Contrast that with the following photograph, which depicts me (and/or Eric Wohlberg) snatching a dollar bill from the neon green “mankini” of an on-course heckler, Jono Coulter.

(Photo Credit: Jenny Oh)

This photograph has 1,025 views after only thirteen days. Apparently, doing stupid shit is more popular on the internet than winning — who’da thunk?

Anyway, Krishna is right. Cyclocross is my kind of scene. Heckling — something I’ve been trying to encourage in the crit racing scene — is mainstream and acceptable at ‘cross races, beer drinking is a must (both after and during races), technical skills are paramount, and making a fool of one’s self is the best way to get attention. I’m in.

Apparently so are the hecklers. I was only recently made aware that there’s an “Official Heckle Rand Miller Group” on Facebook, and I’d encourage anyone who enjoys insulting me to join this group immediately.

Join the group now, so you can coordinate with fellow hecklers for this Sunday’s Stafford Lake CX race.

Held in nearby Novato, and promoted by local dirt-cycling aficionado Murphy Mack, this race is sure to be a perfect combination of bike racing and beer. I hope to see you there.

Now, before I move on from discussing the spectacle of ‘cross, I would like to pose a question. Where in the hell did Keith Hillier (Marc Pro – Strava) come from?

Keith is one of those local guys who I love racing with on the road because he’s easily intimidated and is usually pretty easy to beat. However, he’s hit ‘cross season absolutely flying and appears to be getting faster in each event he enters. He’s technically flawless and apparently can average 208bpm for an entire one hour ‘cross race. I think Keith has finished on the podium of every race he’s entered thus far, and has been privy to watching me crash right in front of him several times. My new ‘cross season goal: beat Keith Hillier in a race. I’d even be willing to train for it…and that’s saying something. Well done, Keith.

2. Moving Up in the World

As I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, I’m switching teams for next season, just in time for my custom Clean Bottles to be the wrong colors. Very astute internet stalkers should be able to figure out which team I am going to, but as of this morning I’m not sure whether I am allowed to publicly announce my signing.

Stay tuned for a full announcement. It should be coming soon; it should be entertaining; it will be unbelievable.

For now, I’m gonna eat some dinner and get some sleep. I hope to see many of you this weekend at the Stafford Lake CX race!

*By the way, Clean Bottle has opened up their printing presses to the public, so if you are interested in creating your own custom bottles, check it out:

Additionally, in case you were wondering what your awesome shipment of 200 custom Clean Bottles will look like in your house, here you go.

I don’t really have room for 300 cubic feet of custom bottle in my rather small apartment, and I’m tired of my housemates making fun of me for having a cartoon logo, so I’m going to show up to all of the upcoming races with a bunch of these bottles. If you read this blog and enjoy it, come up and say hi to me at the next race; I don’t care if I’ve never met you before, I promise I’ll be friendly and you’ll get a pretty sweet bottle, too!