Monthly Archives: October 2011

First and foremost, I know I haven’t posted enough. Having started ‘cross season last weekend at the CCCX #4 at Manzanita park, I really have no “lack of material” excuses. Hopefully after today’s Bay Area SuperPrestige race at Candlestick Park, I’ll start writing again.

As if to motivate me to get back into the game, I arrived home late last night to find a box outside my door with the following hastily scribbled on the side in Sharpie.

Inside this nondescript box was exactly that: the first custom Clean Bottles EVER!!!.

These are the first green/yellow Clean Bottles the world has ever seen and, even better, they are emblazoned with a cartoon caricature of me on a bike riding next to my blog URL!

If you recall, my long term sponsor Clean Bottle — maker of the world’s first water bottle that unscrews at both ends for ease of cleaning — has been collaborating with internet cartoon artist and CX Comicbook extraordinaire Lee “Slonie” Slone to generate these custom bottles and I am extremely grateful to both of them for their work.

It all began as a notebook sketch by Lee shortly after he found my blog.

Now, ten months later, it’s been digitized and turned into “merch” for my blog! My blog has “MERCH!”

Now, as Dr. Malcom said emphatically in Jurassic Park, “…before you even knew what you had, you patented it, and you packaged it, and you slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now [slams hand down on table] you’re selling it!”

I suppose to avoid being ripped in half by a T-rex while on the porta potty as a consequence of my transgressions, I will avoid that last part about “selling.” That’s right, pretty soon, I’ll be distributing these bottles free of charge; in fact, you may end up getting one even if you don’t want it!

As of right now, I have only four of my custom Counterattacking Reality Clean Bottles; the first one goes to Slonie because he designed the whole thing, the second one goes to my friend Yukie because she requested it mere minutes after she heard the idea, and the third one is for me so that I have a nondescript place to hide my my adult “recovery beverages.” The fourth one may or may not be spoken for already. However, according to Clean Bottle, there is an entire case of 200 bottles en route!

If you want one, let me know!

Now if I can just get him to make a custom Counterattacking Reality Bottle Boy outfit to wear at the Tour de France…that would launch the blog to new heights!

See y’all at the Bay Area SuperPrestige ‘cross race in a few hours! I’ll be racing at 1:30pm, so come heckle me!

The road season is over.

As you undoubtedly know by now, I spent the entirety of the 2011 road season trying with all my might to win, only to fall short more often than not; therefore, it is with some irony that I managed to win this past week without so much as touching a bike.

This is a perfect time to remind everyone that the NCNCA P/1/2 Points Series standings mean next to nothing at all, but the bottom line is that I won this pointless points series. My mom is probably proud of me, and that’s what really matters in life.

Never mind that Justin Rossi (Marc Pro – Strava) has more than double the number of wins that I do*; never mind that Steve Reaney (Cal Giant) beat me in every single head-to-head battle we entered; never mind that Evan Huffman (Cal Giant) nearly won U23 Nationals in several events; and never mind that Eric Wohlberg (Form Fitness) has more Olympic races under his belt than I have testicles beneath mine. I guess it’s fitting that the year I “win” this competition is the first year they stop referring to it as the BAR (Best All-around Rider); I’ve certainly never been the best, particularly not in the company of the men mentioned above.

Nevertheless, It was a good year for the NCNCA as a whole, and I am proud to be associated with all the riders in it. I just hope y’all aren’t disappointed to have a joker like me take the Criterium Championship and the formerly-BAR title from more deserving riders**.

Changing gears…here’s a quick little anecdote that explains why no enterprising young man should take up cycling as a sport: apparently cyclists don’t look athletic.

I am frequently demeaned by people, mostly because I have been imploring people to heckle during crits, but also because I’m rather easily mocked. I usually let demeaning comments slide like chainlube off a duck’s back, but I was recently told by someone whose opinion I value that I “don’t look like an athlete.”

Here I am, placed on the continuum of athleticism.

(Gollum’s face adapted from Paul Doran’s Flickr)

That comment was kind of a tough pill to swallow, particularly because this person’s example of someone who does look like an athlete was Randy Bramblett (Pactimo). I guess I’m gonna have to bust out that Ed Hardy hat again. Anyway, in order to counteract my early-onset Gollumitis I’ve been looking for a way to become a more well-rounded athlete.

I first considered following the example of Alberto Contador, who has apparently been bulking up his biceps this winter by pumping up his own tires when he flats on local Sausalito group rides.

Then again, I’d have to actually ride to get flats. Best not to bother with that nonsense.

I then thought about taking a hint from my criterium racing hero and unequivocally badass rider, Rahsaan Bahati.

Forget what you’ve heard from me before; if Rahsaan Bahati runs, it’s cool now.

However, running hurts and doesn’t involve awesome technology, so doing that exclusively sounds rather lame. As I was lamenting the overall lameness of running, I saw a Velonews article about the new, totally non-UCI compliant (and girthily proud of it) 2012 Specialized Triathlon Shiv.

I respect triathletes for…well…just about nothing, but I do love it that their governing body doesn’t give a rodent of unusual size‘s ass about 3:1 ratios. I can’t wait until investors buy into my aero Bento Box idea. Anyway, this article reminded me of a universal truism: triathlete girls are pretty much always hot and athletic looking.

If triathlete chicks can look universally hot and physically fit, why can’t I?

Speaking of hot, that’s when I realized I had a hot piece of a…luminum sitting right in my living room.

Suddenly it became clear: I’m going to attain peak athletic form through a completely contrived combination of running, jumping, bike riding, mud obstacle course navigating, bike lifting and recovery beverage drinking!

(Photo Credit: Podium Insight)

That’s right, I’ve decided that cyclocross is the key to becoming a true, well-balanced athlete***. I am so stoked. Krishna Dole, Josh Snead, and Sven f*&king Nys had better bolt their shit down, ’cause I’m ready to race cross. My season debut is going to be in two weeks, and then I should be at each of the Bay Area SuperPrestige events; warm up your heckling voice now.

See you soon, at a mud pit near you!

*He also has more 2nd places than I do, which is…an impressive amount of losing. Cheers, Justin!

**I’d also like to congratulate my Webcor/Alto Velo fraternal twin, Mary Maroon, for winning the W/1/2/3 standings! I’m pretty sure she’s faster than I am, so I’d like to award her the P/1/2 title as well, if that’s possible.

***That, and I’m gonna start doing a shit-ton of pushups and crunches. And I’m cutting my ridiculous hair. I bet I’ll look more like an athlete then.