Catching Up on Blogging Is Way Harder Than Catching Kevin Metcalfe (Specialized) in a HCTT

Upon first glance, it probably isn’t surprising that I would be near the top of the leaderboard for a “bar competition” — after all, I do love bar games. However, this isn’t about darts and beer. I’m talking about the NCNCA Best All-around Rider (BAR) competition, and the fact that I’m remotely in contention is ludicrous.

If anything, it proves that the BAR is a flawed metric of cycling talent. Still…a competition with an irrelevant scale of merit is a competition nonetheless, so I’m left with no choice but to compete.

It is for that very reason that I chose to register (and actually show up) for the Mt. Diablo Hill Climb Time Trial last weekend.

Always the pragmatist, I spent most of that evening hydrating with several Lagunitas recovery beverages. Exactly four hours prior to my slated start time (in other words, at exactly 4:11 am), I meticulously consumed my pre-race meal: a sausage-infused deep dish pizza from Little Star Pizza.

Safe in the knowledge that my pre-race hydration and nutrition needs had been met, I fell headlong into my bed and amassed a total of 97 minutes of sleep.

One large coffee and an Odwalla Orange Juice was all that was necessary to complete my stringent race preparation — I rapidly consumed this acidity-laden, liquid fuel as I rocketed through the Highway 24 tunnel like my pre-race meal through my colon.

Now, it’s my firm belief that HCTTs attract the dorkiest possible cycling demographic, which I highlighted last year at this very same event. This year, local climber extraordinaire Chris Phipps (Thirsty Bear Cycling) was kind enough to epitomize this demographic by wearing a matryoshka doll of fredliness on his legs: compression tights beneath knee warmers beneath bibs beneath cargo shorts.

(Photo Credit: Chris Lyman)

Holy God. If Steve Urkel was a cyclist, even he’d be like, “[nasal voice] Even I wouldn’t do THAAAT” and he’d morph into Stephan Urquelle and steal everyone’s female companions*. Phipps, you gotta stop that nonsense; you’re making us all look bad.

The devil’s advocate in me must pose the obvious question: did Phipps run a faster time than me in the subsequent HCTT? Yes, he did, but only by 33 seconds. Is a 33 second time gap over the district’s least devoted climber — in a “race of climbing truth” — worth four layers of fredliness? I’ll let y’all decide.

Just before I rolled to the start line, my 30-second man — top-notch time-trialist and typically grouchy old man, Kevin Metcalfe (Specialized Masters) — rode by me and said, “Hey, Rand, if you can catch me you should ask me if I read your blog.” I assume he was making an allusion to my habit of asking real bike racers like Bahati and Jacques-Maynes if they read my blog during races; I also assume he thought there was no way I’d catch him, and I would have agreed.

As it turns out, my legs felt really good and I did catch Metcalfe. When the question “do you read my blog” was posed between pained gasps, Metcalfe coolly responded, “Not anymore.” Well played, Kevin.

As if it needs saying, I was also bested by Yahoo?’s Nate English, who is arguably the best climber this district has ever seen, followed by Nate Wilson, Evan Huffman (both Cal Giant) and Phipps.

Let me back up a bit. As we were waiting for the start, I engaged eventual winner Nate English in conversation.

Me: Hey Nate. Don’t let Evan Huffman beat you today, ok? I don’t want him getting too much of an attitude.

Nate: I don’t think he has much of an attitude.

Me: Yeah, well…you should have heard him talking after he had a few beers at Stastny’s birthday party. He was talking some mad shit.

Nate: Oh. Yeah. Drinking and partying…that sounds like something that happens after my bedtime.

Ack! No. Oh, God. Just hearing that sentence took a year or so off my life; then again, I guess making sacrifices like that would have taken a year or so off my time. After all, Nate did beat me by 1:45 on the day.

Interested to find out what I was doing wrong, I decided to poll the other riders who beat me that day.

That brings me to Cal Giant’s Nate Wilson and Evan Huffman, who laid out with me on the grass while waiting for results to be posted.

Nate Wilson, who from now on shall be referred to colloquially as “The Slower Nate in the District,” mentioned casually that he “got distracted during the climb and ran off the road.” Seriously, dude? See, this is exactly why I hate climbers. In crits, if you make a mistake like that, you’re liable to lose skin and will likely take half the peloton down with you. Well, there were no repercussions for Slow Nate’s inability to roll a bicycle in a straight line, and he still beat me by about a minute. As I’ve mentioned before, Evan Huffman is a fast climber, but only at the expense of having ever talked to a girl. I don’t need to belabor that point.

I guess it should be common sense that one must make sacrifices to be good at bike racing; by now, I’m sure you can tell I just don’t care.

The one positive outcome of the whole Mt. Diablo HCTT fiasco is that my alter ego, Big Pink, has a new love interest.

This video was forwarded to me by Fremont Bank’s exemplary climber, Susannah Breen, who also doubles as Big Pink’s wingman. I just hope Big Pink is not too disappointed when a climbing enthusiast like “bykgrl” shuns the advances of a flat crit rider like him.

More blogging to come; for now, I have to get some work done. For those of you in the area, come out to the Fast and Furious Criterium in Pleasanton this evening and heckle the racers. Hope to see you there!

*Ha! As if any of these HCTTing male cyclists have female companions. HA!