BEER. It’s what’s for dinner.

[Cue Hoedown by Aaron Copland]

Beautiful, no? Plenty of room for cheese.

Now, there’s an acronym that’s quite in vogue with the youngsters these days: HTFU. For the sake of my blog-reading mother — and other techno-savvy mothers around the internet — I won’t actually define the term; most of you probably know what it means already.

The term applies to bike racing, of course, but even more so, it applies to blogging. I just need to HTFU and write some blog posts — life’s simply not hard enough to merit blog negligence.

Where to begin? Frankly, I can’t be bothered to look where I left off. Instead, I’ll just throw out some random anecdotes from the University Road Race a few weeks ago and hope you enjoy them.

The University Road Race is like the insecure, overcompensatory little brother of the Nevada City Classic: it’s definitely not as cool, but it’s twice as big and twice as obnoxious to make up for it. No one likes it.

Having already gotten my ass kicked by the older brother, I should have known better than to mess with the younger; alas, I made the pre-dawn, foggy, misty drive to Santa Cruz anyway, and in record time. Having somehow safely navigated the twisting, damp, slippery Highway 17 in a stupor, I found myself sitting in the race venue parking lot before registration had even opened. Not surprisingly, Chris Phipps (Thirsty Bear) was already kitted up and was doing laps of the registration tents for a warmup, resplendent in his compression tights.

Any grogginess remaining from the previous night’s fitful sleep was quickly eradicated by the bellowing, incredibly well-projected voice of the timeless Velopromo fixture, Rick. It’s like he’s got a megaphone hidden somewhere behind that immaculate beard or something.

(Photo Credit: Sheri Greenspan)

“RAND! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” he implored in what I assume is the same tone of voice used by God during his ‘burning bush’ ventriloquism acts. “I THOUGHT YOU WERE NO GOOD AT CLIMBING! YOU DO KNOW THERE ARE A FEW CLIMBS ON THIS COURSE, RIGHT?”

Yes, Rick, I know. This was a mistake, and I’m only now awake enough to realize that.

“WELL, I’ll BE OUT THERE CHEERING FOR YOU!” he said, jovially concluding the conversation. I wish he hadn’t said that, because I hate letting people down.

Just before the race, as I was warming up my lungs by shouting insults at the young up-and-coming cyclists like Evan Huffman, Christ Stastny (both Cal Giant), and Cody Tapley (Whole Athlete), I noticed one of the most abominable number pinning jobs I’ve seen since that random T-shirt-wearing dude in my first Cat 5 criterium.

That number belongs to Nick Newcomb (Whole Athlete), and it proves that USACycling needs to revamp the Category 2 upgrade point requirements to include a “don’t pin your number like a dummy” component. Judging by the hastily rubbed-off numbers Sharpied on his calves, I imagine Nick had actually pinned that number to the front of his helmet before he realized he wasn’t at a f*&king triathlon. Kids these days…

So, yeah, the race started.

(Photo Credit: Tim Westmore)

Suffice to say, I only made it through seven of twenty laps of the miserable course before I realized I had way better things to do with my Sunday, like…NOT vomit on myself. In the meantime, Evan Huffman and the aptly French-named Jared Barrilleaux (also Cal Giant) made an off-the-front ménage à trois with Justin Rossi (Marc Pro – Strava); for the second consecutive race, Huffman came out on top. Huffman is really making it difficult for me to steal the NCNCA BAR “competition,” so I’ve resorted to some interesting tactics to defeat him.

Namely, I made him kiss a girl right before a bike race. If I can find the time, I’ll tell you all about it later in the week.

Goodnight!

It’s been a while since I wrote, and for that I apologize. This evening, I’m going to shamelessly recycle some content that I posted to the Alto Velo club mailing list last night. I’m not only trying to maintain my readership, but I’m trying to get rid of my arch nemesis’ aero advantage, so cut me some slack. Barring any more drama in real life in need of counterattacking, the real blogging ought to resume this weekend.

In the interim, here’s last night’s mailing list post in its entirety:

Would you like to win a shit-ton of races? Would you like to guarantee that you’ll be faster than me no matter how fit I am? Here’s how you can do it without even having to train:

You can buy some lightly used equipment from local superstar, NCNCA P/1/2 BAR leader and deep-dish wheel connoisseur Steve Reaney (Cal Giant).

Steve asked me to forward this list of equipment to the AV list. He is selling some awesome stuff at totally reasonable prices. Be wary, though. He’s pretty heavy, so “lightly used” might be misleading. Just kidding.

Here’s what he’s selling:

—————————————————————————————————

Hi all,
Below you will find some very fast items that I am selling.  I am cleaning out and making room.  I will post these on craigslist/ebay next week so you have the weekend to think about it…  I provided my email address below.  Please email me if you are interested in any items.

best,
steve reaney
stevereaney@…

Rear Zipp Sub-9 Disc Tubular 700C Shimano Compatible (2010)  – $1100

Rear tubular Zipp sub-9 disc that is lightly used.  It has been used for a handful of time trials.  Includes Veloflex Record  tire = fast.  SRAM Force cassette and skewers.  There are a few superficial dents on the wheel, but other than that it is in perfect condition.

Rear Zipp Sub-9 Disc Tubular 700C Shimano Compatible (2011)  – $1500

Never used, never glued.  Perfect.  I will throw in a veloflex record tire.

Front Zipp 1080 Tubular 700C (2010)  – $750

Front tubular Zipp 1080 that is lightly used.  It has been used for a handful of time trials.  Includes Veloflex Record  tire = fast.  Perfect condition and skewers included.

Rear Zipp 1080 Tubular 700C Shimano Compatible (2010)  – $850

Rear tubular Zipp 1080 that is lightly used.  Includes Vittoria tire and SRAM Force cassette.  Perfect condition and skewers included.

2011 Zipp 404 Carbon Clincher 700C Shimano Compatible. – $1700

A set of lightly used carbon clinchers.  Excellent condition and includes skewers and SRAM Red cassette.

2010 Specialized Medium S-Works Transition Module with bars and Red/Force Group – $2500

S-Works frame, fork, seatpost, seat, brakes and cranks.  FSA TT chainrings, Easton attack TT bar and stem.  SRAM carbon brake levers, Force derailleurs and Red shifters.  All in very good condition.  Red/white/carbon color.  You could literally throw your wheels and pedals on it and ride it home!  If you want more details you can search the Specialized website.  They have a great archive.

2009 Specialized Large Pro Transition – $1200

Pro frame, fork, seatpost and brakes.  Threaded BB.  In very good condition.  Gloss Red color. If you want more details you can search the Specialized website.  They have a great archive.

My Firstborn Child — $400

This kid has yet to be born, but if it gets even half of my admittedly impressive genome, it’ll have a VO2 of 97 and an infant hematocrit of 55.

———————————————————————————–

Email Steve directly for inquiries. Tell him “Rand thinks you suck” as your email signature, please.

Rand

Seriously. Buy this shit so that Steve can’t beat me quite so easily the next time we end up off the front together. Please.

Upon first glance, it probably isn’t surprising that I would be near the top of the leaderboard for a “bar competition” — after all, I do love bar games. However, this isn’t about darts and beer. I’m talking about the NCNCA Best All-around Rider (BAR) competition, and the fact that I’m remotely in contention is ludicrous.

If anything, it proves that the BAR is a flawed metric of cycling talent. Still…a competition with an irrelevant scale of merit is a competition nonetheless, so I’m left with no choice but to compete.

It is for that very reason that I chose to register (and actually show up) for the Mt. Diablo Hill Climb Time Trial last weekend.

Always the pragmatist, I spent most of that evening hydrating with several Lagunitas recovery beverages. Exactly four hours prior to my slated start time (in other words, at exactly 4:11 am), I meticulously consumed my pre-race meal: a sausage-infused deep dish pizza from Little Star Pizza.

Safe in the knowledge that my pre-race hydration and nutrition needs had been met, I fell headlong into my bed and amassed a total of 97 minutes of sleep.

One large coffee and an Odwalla Orange Juice was all that was necessary to complete my stringent race preparation — I rapidly consumed this acidity-laden, liquid fuel as I rocketed through the Highway 24 tunnel like my pre-race meal through my colon.

Now, it’s my firm belief that HCTTs attract the dorkiest possible cycling demographic, which I highlighted last year at this very same event. This year, local climber extraordinaire Chris Phipps (Thirsty Bear Cycling) was kind enough to epitomize this demographic by wearing a matryoshka doll of fredliness on his legs: compression tights beneath knee warmers beneath bibs beneath cargo shorts.

(Photo Credit: Chris Lyman)

Holy God. If Steve Urkel was a cyclist, even he’d be like, “[nasal voice] Even I wouldn’t do THAAAT” and he’d morph into Stephan Urquelle and steal everyone’s female companions*. Phipps, you gotta stop that nonsense; you’re making us all look bad.

The devil’s advocate in me must pose the obvious question: did Phipps run a faster time than me in the subsequent HCTT? Yes, he did, but only by 33 seconds. Is a 33 second time gap over the district’s least devoted climber — in a “race of climbing truth” — worth four layers of fredliness? I’ll let y’all decide.

Just before I rolled to the start line, my 30-second man — top-notch time-trialist and typically grouchy old man, Kevin Metcalfe (Specialized Masters) — rode by me and said, “Hey, Rand, if you can catch me you should ask me if I read your blog.” I assume he was making an allusion to my habit of asking real bike racers like Bahati and Jacques-Maynes if they read my blog during races; I also assume he thought there was no way I’d catch him, and I would have agreed.

As it turns out, my legs felt really good and I did catch Metcalfe. When the question “do you read my blog” was posed between pained gasps, Metcalfe coolly responded, “Not anymore.” Well played, Kevin.

As if it needs saying, I was also bested by Yahoo?’s Nate English, who is arguably the best climber this district has ever seen, followed by Nate Wilson, Evan Huffman (both Cal Giant) and Phipps.

Let me back up a bit. As we were waiting for the start, I engaged eventual winner Nate English in conversation.

Me: Hey Nate. Don’t let Evan Huffman beat you today, ok? I don’t want him getting too much of an attitude.

Nate: I don’t think he has much of an attitude.

Me: Yeah, well…you should have heard him talking after he had a few beers at Stastny’s birthday party. He was talking some mad shit.

Nate: Oh. Yeah. Drinking and partying…that sounds like something that happens after my bedtime.

Ack! No. Oh, God. Just hearing that sentence took a year or so off my life; then again, I guess making sacrifices like that would have taken a year or so off my time. After all, Nate did beat me by 1:45 on the day.

Interested to find out what I was doing wrong, I decided to poll the other riders who beat me that day.

That brings me to Cal Giant’s Nate Wilson and Evan Huffman, who laid out with me on the grass while waiting for results to be posted.

Nate Wilson, who from now on shall be referred to colloquially as “The Slower Nate in the District,” mentioned casually that he “got distracted during the climb and ran off the road.” Seriously, dude? See, this is exactly why I hate climbers. In crits, if you make a mistake like that, you’re liable to lose skin and will likely take half the peloton down with you. Well, there were no repercussions for Slow Nate’s inability to roll a bicycle in a straight line, and he still beat me by about a minute. As I’ve mentioned before, Evan Huffman is a fast climber, but only at the expense of having ever talked to a girl. I don’t need to belabor that point.

I guess it should be common sense that one must make sacrifices to be good at bike racing; by now, I’m sure you can tell I just don’t care.

The one positive outcome of the whole Mt. Diablo HCTT fiasco is that my alter ego, Big Pink, has a new love interest.

This video was forwarded to me by Fremont Bank’s exemplary climber, Susannah Breen, who also doubles as Big Pink’s wingman. I just hope Big Pink is not too disappointed when a climbing enthusiast like “bykgrl” shuns the advances of a flat crit rider like him.

More blogging to come; for now, I have to get some work done. For those of you in the area, come out to the Fast and Furious Criterium in Pleasanton this evening and heckle the racers. Hope to see you there!

*Ha! As if any of these HCTTing male cyclists have female companions. HA!

I blog like I race: I do just enough groundwork to make people interested, then can’t deliver the goods when it really matters.

Blogwise, I’m referring to the fact that I have yet to complete my post about last weekend’s racing, even though I promised I’d do so in my last update. While fully explaining the reasons for my inability to blog would be quite entertaining, I think, I’ll summarize it thus: “blogging” will always finish second to “women” on my list of priorities.

Incidentally, that last sentence is a nice segue into the next topic.

If I were a blog, Steve Reaney (Cal Giant) would be a woman*. I will always finish second.

(Photo Credit: Don Langley)

This evening at the Strawberry Crown Criterium — for the mind-bogglingly fourth time this season — Steve and I came to the line ahead of the field in a two-man breakaway.

And, not nearly as mind-bogglingly, I have finished 2nd every single time.

Now, it’s not for lack of trying. This evening, I tried to win with all my might and I employed every trick in the book; in addition, I think Steve even tried to lose. Here’s an animated .gif of Reaney nearly crashing himself (and me) out of the technical, fast race.

(Photo Credit: Mark Nakamura)

Thank God his tire-gluer knows what is going on, because that was a pretty wicked, Tokyo drift, Mario Kart-esqe powerslide. If you look closely, you can see the “ohhhhhhh fuuuuuuu–” look on my face as I look for the softest part of that sapling growing on the sidewalk.

Anyway, handling skills aside, the bottom line is that I was beaten by a Cal Giant Berry Farms rider at the team’s home criterium, but I raced my f*&king balls off and I have no regrets. Perhaps I should be depressed, but in fact, I feel pretty good about the whole thing.

I’ll be writing a massive post tomorrow morning — during the hours when most of y’all idiots are racing the Patterson Pass Death March — which I hope you will enjoy.

For my internet-only friends, I’ll see you tomorrow in blog-post format; for the locals, I hope to see you at tomorrow evening’s Fast and Furious Twilight Criterium in Pleasanton. Goodnight!

*Ba-dum-chhhhhhhh. That joke was totally worth finishing 2nd.

You know how Floyd Landis has about seven different Twitter accounts — the most notable of which is purported to be @FakeFloydLandis — which he uses to make jokes and say inane but entertaining shit?

Well…Mark Twain was way ahead of Floyd Landis. You see, quite some time ago, @FakeMarkTwain tweeted the classic line, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco,” a statement which has been incorrectly falsely attributed to the real Mark Twain for decades*.

Well, the attribution may be hazy, but the statement is true. I just finished my post-sunset jaunt over Twin Peaks and, upon returning to my apartment, I looked like a spandexed Tom Sawyer, fresh out of the river after being pushed off a bridge by his crush Becky (who, awkwardly enough, would be my bike in this analogy)**.

Anyway, while I was out sloshing around in the mist this evening, I came up with a short list of bad ideas that I have had recently:

1. Going for a ride this evening.
2. Growing a mullet in the first place.
3. Maintaining a mullet for the blogging spectacle.
4. Talking to girls. Ever.
5. Registering for the Mt. Diablo HCTT.
6. Racing the Mt. Diablo HCTT.
7. A dinner composed entirely of cheese and beer.
8. Blogging. It’s just not cool, as if you needed me to tell you that.
9. Bike Racing. If I could go back to the year 2000 and whisper “bike racing is for losers” to myself, I would. Alas, here I am: 26 years old and still crushing my taint in spandex as a hobby.

Anyway, that’s a depressing list, but items #5 and #6 could use some elaboration. However, it’s kind of late and I’m hella tired.  Check back tomorrow evening, when I’ll be discussing last weekend’s racing in detail. Until then, here’s a fun video of some Lithuanian mayor running over cars parked in the bike lane with a tank.

If only Gavin Newsom had done that during his tenure as SF’s mayor, I’d be a much less angry and aggressive cyclist nowadays. In other words, I’d probably be winning bike races, not placing 2nd all the time.

See you tomorrow!

*Note the doubly negatively adverbed sentence. Turns out Mark was just on his joke Twitter.
**Also note that this scene, to my knowledge, only happened in the Jonathan Taylor Thomas movie “Tom and Huck,” not in the actual literature. I’m not particularly refined, as I’m sure you’ve noticed already.